Sonia shakes her head. "No," she says quietly. "No, I don't think that at all."
Because Byerly is the last person who would be. And she doesn't even necessarily think he'd be shocked and appalled by what she's going to tell him now, either. He might even laugh at it. One depraved act, after all, does not make one a complete degenerate. But she feels, suddenly, that it is important for him to know, with all this talk of depravity and deserving. She doesn't think of herself as a degenerate, not the way Byerly does, but he does think of her as some kind of innocent, naive. And she is. But not entirely in this fashion. And if she's going to feel mortified at herself this evening -- well, might as well get it all out.
"Five years ago," she starts, and she lifts her gaze back to Byerly's face before it drops again, "when my sister was my age, and I was eighteen...we were back in Vorbarra's District then. And our father and the Emperor-our-grandfather had decided that Olivia was at a perfectly marriageable age, and started lining up the best of the Counts' heirs, because only the best for the oldest Princess, right? Only...she loved Count Piotr. I knew that. But Da, he shot that notion right now, just because he didn't like Count Piotr's politics."
She frowns in memory, trying to swallow, but finding it suddenly difficult. "She didn't want to marry any of them. But she would have. She's so -- she's so Vor. But I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let her just throw away her one chance at happiness, at real happiness in this stupid war. And I couldn't bear the thought of her being -- taken away from me." That part had been utter selfishness, though, hadn't it? That she couldn't stand to lose her sister to some faceless Vor lord she hardly even knew? Because she knows Count Piotr, even if she hadn't liked him much. She knew she could trust him, and that she wouldn't lose her sister to him entirely.
"So I thought...if Da wouldn't let her marry Count Piotr, then I'd make sure none of the others wanted to marry her." She bites her lips together, almost managing a weak smile. "Most of them weren't too difficult to scare off. A few well-placed lies about things they either couldn't prove either way or wouldn't dare to ask about. Some of them I drove off by mere threat of being the most heinous sister-in-law they could possibly imagine. But..."
She sucks in a sharp breath, reeling back tears threatening to escape. God, she feels so silly, so foolish, about -- all of this. "Count Vorbataille's son, he just...nothing worked on him. Because he was a good man, I suppose -- and not hideous or crude or anything, and so Olivia thought she could...learn to love him." She just about spits those words out. The thought makes her sick. "But I couldn't let it happen. I just couldn't. So I did the only other thing I could think of. The only other thing I was good at. I manipulated him, tricked him until he was backed into a corner and could hardly say no by then."
She hadn't enjoyed it. For the first time in her life, she hadn't enjoyed it at all. But she'd done it willingly. "He called off the marriage. I knew he would." Sonia's voice starts to waver again, and she blinks back tears. "I just...didn't think he would tell anyone why."
IM SORRY ABOUT THIS FUCKING NOVEL
Because Byerly is the last person who would be. And she doesn't even necessarily think he'd be shocked and appalled by what she's going to tell him now, either. He might even laugh at it. One depraved act, after all, does not make one a complete degenerate. But she feels, suddenly, that it is important for him to know, with all this talk of depravity and deserving. She doesn't think of herself as a degenerate, not the way Byerly does, but he does think of her as some kind of innocent, naive. And she is. But not entirely in this fashion. And if she's going to feel mortified at herself this evening -- well, might as well get it all out.
"Five years ago," she starts, and she lifts her gaze back to Byerly's face before it drops again, "when my sister was my age, and I was eighteen...we were back in Vorbarra's District then. And our father and the Emperor-our-grandfather had decided that Olivia was at a perfectly marriageable age, and started lining up the best of the Counts' heirs, because only the best for the oldest Princess, right? Only...she loved Count Piotr. I knew that. But Da, he shot that notion right now, just because he didn't like Count Piotr's politics."
She frowns in memory, trying to swallow, but finding it suddenly difficult. "She didn't want to marry any of them. But she would have. She's so -- she's so Vor. But I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let her just throw away her one chance at happiness, at real happiness in this stupid war. And I couldn't bear the thought of her being -- taken away from me." That part had been utter selfishness, though, hadn't it? That she couldn't stand to lose her sister to some faceless Vor lord she hardly even knew? Because she knows Count Piotr, even if she hadn't liked him much. She knew she could trust him, and that she wouldn't lose her sister to him entirely.
"So I thought...if Da wouldn't let her marry Count Piotr, then I'd make sure none of the others wanted to marry her." She bites her lips together, almost managing a weak smile. "Most of them weren't too difficult to scare off. A few well-placed lies about things they either couldn't prove either way or wouldn't dare to ask about. Some of them I drove off by mere threat of being the most heinous sister-in-law they could possibly imagine. But..."
She sucks in a sharp breath, reeling back tears threatening to escape. God, she feels so silly, so foolish, about -- all of this. "Count Vorbataille's son, he just...nothing worked on him. Because he was a good man, I suppose -- and not hideous or crude or anything, and so Olivia thought she could...learn to love him." She just about spits those words out. The thought makes her sick. "But I couldn't let it happen. I just couldn't. So I did the only other thing I could think of. The only other thing I was good at. I manipulated him, tricked him until he was backed into a corner and could hardly say no by then."
She hadn't enjoyed it. For the first time in her life, she hadn't enjoyed it at all. But she'd done it willingly. "He called off the marriage. I knew he would." Sonia's voice starts to waver again, and she blinks back tears. "I just...didn't think he would tell anyone why."