[ Wash does actually mean here and now. He was practically born into a war, enlisted as soon as he was able, never left that life. If the situation was the problem he really would still be a virgin. But -- no. It's being too hard on himself, maybe, because Wash isn't quite as destructive ( at least to others ) as he thinks he is. But it's self-awareness, too. He hadn't done that because he wanted him, not in that moment, he'd done that out of petty pride and careless interest, wanting to push, wanting to see. Rising to a challenge, to someone bold enough to practically dare him to do something, how much could he actually take, how much could he push, before he breaks?

And if anything happens between them -- an if, now, definitely an if, he wouldn't fucking blame Miles for pulling away from him for good -- Wash just wants it to be. Different, from that. Not necessarily more, he still can't really do more, just. Different. Anyone fucking else he wouldn't have given a damn, but apparently Miles is an exception things even here.

He catches Miles' hand, before it falls away completely. ] It's not about turning you down.

I'm just a pretty awful person, Miles. [ He smiles a little, here, but in the same way Miles' tone is far too light to be genuine, that smile doesn't match his words, doesn't match anything. ] And there's just a difference between me wanting something, and wanting to tear it apart.

You're -- a little of both. [ A breath. ] And I don't want to act on the wrong thing.