What was it? He doesn't know. He honestly doesn't know. Sometimes he just...says things. Improvising, pushing, to work himself under people's skin. It's what he does. It's his talent, beyond other talents - to know how to play people. To convince himself in the moment that whatever he's saying is truthful and earnest and honest. Was he more truthful with Sonia? Less truthful? Did he mean it? He didn't mean for this to happen, truly - he didn't mean for her to cry. He didn't ever mean for her to cry. Who the fuck cries over Byerly?

"At the start, it was for...fun." He shifts. His hands pluck at the trousers of his fatigues. Tiny signs, subtle signs of his discomfort. "Not because I wanted something out of you, just because you were fun to talk to. It wasn't fake, exactly, but it was idle. But later - "

He clenches his teeth. Takes a breath. He's betraying himself. He's betraying her. "I had been planning how to - " Convince Vorkosigan to let me be his spy. "Escape for a long time. Longer than we were close. It all - crept up on me. And then it was too late to turn back."