[It's not okay. It's why she'd needed to know that it was true, that maybe, if she told him, that he wouldn't look at her different, that maybe he'd understand some piece of it. She'd told Clint once, trying to get him to understand that she wasn't worth the effort, but it hadn't worked. But he still looked at her a little different than he had before, how could he not? He was a good person, in the end. A soldier, but a husband and a father, willing to do bad things because they kept the world safe.
He opens his eyes and meets hers, and there's something in the look that makes it seem like he understands the weight of it. The guilt, the nightmares, a dozen different reasons she doesn't sleep well in barracks that remind her too clearly of little girls. She sighs a little at the words, and she's tempted to smile and nod, tell him that she knows, like she does with Clint. Instead, she just brushes fingers against the strands of her hair as she looks at him, a shake of her head.] I made a choice. I don't think I could have made a different one, but that doesn't make it any better.
[As much as she was willing to sacrifice herself for others, she was still a survivor, and back then she'd been raw and desperate. The shift in conversation is appreciated, however, talking about something a little less heavy. She doesn't know how to say that it matters that he doesn't flinch away from her, from the sort of stained-red person she is. So she doesn't. There's a twitch of her lips as he promises that they'll get her out of there, that they wont leave her.
But then he asks her to promise him, and there's a look in her eyes, like he'd asked her for something almost too important and she tilts her head, tries to process it all.]
Wash- I can't promise you that. I'll do the best than I can, but I want them both out safe. If I can get myself out too, that would be ideal, but I'm the easiest to sacrifice. Odds are they wont just kill me outright like they might with Byerly, and hell if I'll let that happen. And I know less about the Barrayar camp than he does, so I'll be less likely to compromise anyone else. If we have to sacrifice someone to get the others out, you know I'm the practical option.
[She shifts a little when he talks about pulling rank on her, though, because that sort of thing does still matter to her. The way he calls her Natashka. The way he says he wants all three of them safe, and she sighs softly, and he's good at getting under her skin, knowing the right things to pull at.]
It's not like I'm looking for an excuse. It's just what makes sense. In the scheme of things, I'm just another Exotic.
no subject
He opens his eyes and meets hers, and there's something in the look that makes it seem like he understands the weight of it. The guilt, the nightmares, a dozen different reasons she doesn't sleep well in barracks that remind her too clearly of little girls. She sighs a little at the words, and she's tempted to smile and nod, tell him that she knows, like she does with Clint. Instead, she just brushes fingers against the strands of her hair as she looks at him, a shake of her head.] I made a choice. I don't think I could have made a different one, but that doesn't make it any better.
[As much as she was willing to sacrifice herself for others, she was still a survivor, and back then she'd been raw and desperate. The shift in conversation is appreciated, however, talking about something a little less heavy. She doesn't know how to say that it matters that he doesn't flinch away from her, from the sort of stained-red person she is. So she doesn't. There's a twitch of her lips as he promises that they'll get her out of there, that they wont leave her.
But then he asks her to promise him, and there's a look in her eyes, like he'd asked her for something almost too important and she tilts her head, tries to process it all.]
Wash- I can't promise you that. I'll do the best than I can, but I want them both out safe. If I can get myself out too, that would be ideal, but I'm the easiest to sacrifice. Odds are they wont just kill me outright like they might with Byerly, and hell if I'll let that happen. And I know less about the Barrayar camp than he does, so I'll be less likely to compromise anyone else. If we have to sacrifice someone to get the others out, you know I'm the practical option.
[She shifts a little when he talks about pulling rank on her, though, because that sort of thing does still matter to her. The way he calls her Natashka. The way he says he wants all three of them safe, and she sighs softly, and he's good at getting under her skin, knowing the right things to pull at.]
It's not like I'm looking for an excuse. It's just what makes sense. In the scheme of things, I'm just another Exotic.