Being helpless was always the one thing I could never handle.

[ The breakout had been the worst, in so many ways. Barely able to pull himself together enough to comprehend that he was watching his friends tear themselves apart. Trapped there, with nothing he could do . . . And the years after. ]

But you're not entirely helpless, here. You're choosing to hold back, that's a choice you're making, with good reasons behind it. You're doing something, still.