[ january i log: barrayar ]

[barrayarmods]

Who: Everyone
What: Arrival on Barrayar and what follows
When: January 2nd - January 17th
Where: Barrayaran guerrilla camp
Warnings: None (at the moment)


welcome to barrayar.
It's the dark of night when you come to in the foothills. Snow on the ground, chill winter wind whistling. A steep mountain range towers just ahead, its peaks illuminated by the light of two moons. Whatever you last remember, it isn't how you got here, and you feel oddly jetlagged, slightly queasy.

And you're not alone. There are nine other people close by, all looking equally lost and confused. But before any of you have a chance to figure out what's going on, the soldiers arrive.

They're dressed in weather-worn green uniforms, bearing swords and bows, and they surround you immediately, poised to attack. But they quickly realize you're not their enemy, the ones they call Cetagandans. They're just as confused as you are, but rather than hanging around to puzzle it out, they start shepherding you toward their camp in the mountains while it's still dark. There's a war on, they say, and you unlucky bastards have just been dropped right smack in the middle of it.

the guerrilla camp
It's a few hours' hike through the mountains to get to their hidden camp, set up in a clearing framed by dense, hard forestry and backed against a rock face. Daylight is finally dawning when you make it there. You and your fellow sudden arrivals are ushered to an empty tent on the far end of the camp, just big enough to fit all ten of you. You can't help but notice they've posted guards all around it. You aren't under arrest – they just don't know what else to do with you.

You are able to glean, from hearsay and what the soldiers are willing to share with you, that you are on a planet called Barrayar, and this is their home, and ten years ago they were attacked without warning by the Cetagandan Empire. They've been holed up in the mountains fighting against their invaders ever since, outgunned and outmanned, but scoring little victories where they can. They don't tell you much more than that. Some dialect of Russian seems to be one of the predominant languages of the camp, but for the most part they all speak English too, if with an accent. They're gruff and wary, and if you look a little less – or more – than human, they'll eye you with suspicion, maybe even make obscure hex signs at you that seem intended to ward off evil or disease. But they aren't hostile to you, not unless you start something with them.

the outsiders' tent
It's not in the greatest shape, but if you look around the camp, the rest aren't much better off. It's cramped, but you've at least been provided with bedrolls and heavy wool blankets to ward off the frozen chill, and if you're in need of clothing, they'll provide it, although it probably hasn't been washed in…a while. The soldiers bring you food at mealtimes -- not very good food, mostly tough meat and groats, and they keep you your own campfire, just to keep you warm. They've also hastily dug you your own latrine area at the edge of the perimeter, just behind the treeline. No private bathroom stalls in this outfit, unfortunately. The entire camp seems tense and wary, and the soldiers are alert, but they don't talk much. You could try sneaking past them, but you probably won't get far.

Well, at least you've got each other for company: the outsiders on Barrayar.

Comments

[shri]

[ it's a half breadth too close to how the English had spoken to her for her not to feel the pull in of a irritation on her mouth, ugly and harsh and bitter. She has no business being such to this planet, whatever that meant, if as he says it true and they know nothing of the half breeds. But it had cost her nothing less than everything.

So it's a breath, and she relents, to take measure. This is not England. ]

All my life. [ said with her young face and young mouth, her pretty ornaments and well worn clothes - but it feels so wretchedly old in her bones, in her voice. Hurts coming up. ]

[dendarii]

[ He can sense that. How close he's treading to pissing her off ... He needs to be careful. ]

And now you've been brought here. To fight again.

[shri]

[ her hand comes up, rubbing at the back of her neck briefly, to relieve the ache in the her neck - where was that By man, perhaps she'd just take him up on the offer. Give her something, anything else. ]

It's not the fight. What is that, men against men? They at least, do not turn children to devour their parents in the night. [ and here she betrays herself, here she cannot be other than what she is. ] No I am not bothered by it, so much, nor do I begrudge them keeping us in such a way, it is what I would do in such the same position.

[ she sighs, the ire gone as quickly as it had come. ] this is just an unfortunate detour. I was rather busy, I guess you could say?

[dendarii]

[ That's all? She's only upset about having been rerouted? Well ... he supposes he is too, but even so. ]

And you wish to go home as soon as possible?

[ He thinks no one would disagree with her here. ]

... What do you mean about children, though?

I am premptively sorry for all heinous autocorrects

[shri]

[one day she'll be helpful and not so cagey. But there's too much, and she's been hunted too long to be anything but vague.

It's going to get her killed one of these days. But for now she nods, letting that be her answer. ]

A common enough tactic, if you are not killed outright by a lycan's bite, it will turn you. Such is the difference between a halfbreed and a pureblood. A pureblood is born, a halfbreed is made.

[ she carries on like its all just tactics, like she's talking out flanking and cavalry charges.] but it wont happen immediately, usually the first night after. By then, they've gone home, to their families and it is too late. When it takes them, they lose all sense of themselves.

[ a shrug. ] It is most effective when used on a child. They will not understand to say, who wants to put down a beloved son or daughter, a niece or nephew?

IT'S COOL

[dendarii]

[ Can't be worse than lobbing the dead children at Cetagandans to demoralize them, Miles almost says, but holds his tongue. That probably hasn't happened yet. And even if it has - how would he know? He hasn't been home in years.

In other words, he looks grimly nauseated by the thought. But not surprised. Oh no, not surprised. That seems a distinctly Barrayaran tactic. ]

And thus they use their own children against them.

cw: child death in here???

[shri]

Just so. [ another nod, a breath that comes thin between her lips as she follows it through.

Because she goes through the motions in her mind. A little girl, crying, hanging to her skirts, who didnt know what she had done. Rani, she had begged, where had her papa-ji gone?]

You asked of burdens? Someone stil has to see to those children.

[ for the child's sake, she had never let her see the blade coming. ]

[dendarii]

[ Oh. Of course. When the parent couldn't do it and died as a result ... Miles bows his head.

In a different world, that could have been me. His father had spared Miles at the expense of so much. Reputation, the relationship with his father, having any future children. ]

I'm sorry, Rani.

[shri]

[ She shakes her head, and she hopes that is answer enough to leave her be for awhile. ]

Save your words, we all must serve as life dictates us. [ She flicks her fingers in dismissiveness. ] As I said, the details are not pleasant.

[dendarii]

[ It's slowed him down, anyway. ]

Even so, they are important. Thank you for telling me.

[shri]

[ She'll settle for that, anyway. Because she's talked a lot, but she's still managed to dodge who she is - so, well, that's the important bit. But granted since he doesn't know about the Half-Breeds and think the Arthurian Knights just a myth? She probably doesn't need to be so wary.

Still, better safe than sorry. ]

I hope only to save others the same fate. It is why I must return. Though... [ soft, subtle. ] ... I imagine your place is here, in this war.

[dendarii]

[ The actual answer to that is, of course, hell no. And he grimaces before he thinks to lie and agree. Ah, well ... better to stick close to the truth. ]

I want them to win, of course. But I need to get back to responsibilities of my own. I can't live here long term.

[shri]

[ She notes it - so far as it's just about anyone's expression when it comes to war. At least for the battle-mad and the unknowing. ]

I don't understand. How is this not where you live? Should it not be your only responsibility?

[ Either because she still hasn't really grasped space travel, or -- well, that he says it is his home and when a war is upon it, he doesn't throw down everything he has in loyalty to the cause?

.... Alright, she's biased on that latter point. ]

[dendarii]

[ He would, okay. He basically is. Just - in ways that he can't possibly explain. ]

My fleet is several wormhole jumps away from here. And this is home, yes, but I haven't lived here in years.

I'll help while I'm here but I can't stay.

[shri]

[ blink, blink. ]






... A wormhole? Is that some kind of other term of a storm at sea?

[dendarii]

No, no. They're more like gateways in space. It's the only way to travel between planets.

[shri]

Right, of course, other planets. Jupiter, Mars, those such things.

[ She's trying really hard right now. ]

[dendarii]

Quite a bit further out than that.

[ A pause. Ah, there's a quick way to prove that right now. ]

What planet do you think you're on? Earth?

[shri]

[ She clears her throat. Frowning at him as she tries to follow along with what he's seeing, and ignore that strange feeling of vertigo that comes with the knowledge that she's not on earth. ]

It is the only planet I have ever stood up, if that's what you mean. [ It's uneasy, with what he's saying. There are two moons, she has seen them with her own eyes and she cannot deny it but... her mind has yet to truly comprehend what that means, easier to think this earth but a strange one than to think she is so far beyond her own home. ]

[dendarii]

[ Sorry about trying to burst your bubble, then. Miles smiles sympathetically. ]

You've been outside, right? And seen the moons? I assure you that this is not Earth. We're billions upon billions upon billions of kilometers away from that planet.

[shri]

I have seen them.

[ It's moving liquid, slow, unsure, depths below her. The more he says it, the more he makes it real and the more she might rip her own lungs out in screaming someone take her back. It is easier to not think about - not simply because it's hard for her to get her thoughts around such an idea.

But that she cannot just steal away from this war and this camp on a ship, a train, whatever strange new device the British have scarred into lands this time - and find her way back. To Devi, to see if Galahad has saved Tesla. Her eyes shut, pinched frustrated line as scowls with the heaviness of that thought, diverting her face back to the fire. ] And I return through - through these... wormholes?

[dendarii]

[ Miles nods. If she can even get back to an Earth he recognizes ... He suspects that even if she could get a ship out of here that she would not find her way home. ]

Just so. Though you will have great difficulty getting off planet now. The Cetagandans are surely blocking all access.

[shri]

[ She doesn't understand, she cannot understand, and it's cloying up her throat because it means a whole world of things she cannot comprehend, but mean nothing. It's the same tactics, different war. This enemy is just the British, is just the Lycans, is just one more thing to get in her way, one more thing she cannot comprehend but must, that she doesn't have any choice but to fight because what else can she do anymore? She cannot go home, she has not been home for years and now she is so far away from it, it may as well be a dream and she doesn't understand and she's been trying not to - because if he speaks truth then - ]

Excuse me. I need a moment.

[ Devi, Galahad, Tesla, they need her ( she needs them ). The desperate of Whitechapel. What is it but one more group of people she cannot help, she cannot be there for, that she must choose between. How many times must she face these things, over and over again?

For her ire is one thing, happy enough to share the snarling words, but this desperate grief in the back of her throat is another. Grabs her jacket, her sash, and without further explanation, she marches back out the tent. It's laughable, where is she going to go being kept like this? Nowhere, again, just caught, always caught. ]

[dendarii]

[ Oh. Poor Rani ... He wishes he could give her any comfort at all that would help her. All he can do is tell the truth and hope that she finds her way.

After a moment, though, he does reach out to put a hand on her arm. ]

We'll get you home. One way or another. I swear it, my word as --

[ He almost said Vorkosigan just then. Goddammit. ]

You have my word.

[shri]

[ Her breath sucks in, an almost knee-jerk reaction that comes easier for touching her, to strike him like he's just one more thing seeking her death, hear that snapping crack of flesh and bone against flesh and bone. ( how arrogant, Lakshmi, she digs at herself, how self-centered, she has seen enough to know that she is worth nothing than what she does, and that is the problem ). Her fingers curl up and in against her palm, a reflexive need to grip onto something, anyone, that might make reality out of this nightmare she finds herself in. Again, always, never stopped.

Looks at his hand without looking at his face. There is so conspicuously nothing in her expression for it. He swears, does he? At least they're mutual in hiding who they are, as she catches that almost slip. Perhaps that will be how she will come to trust that word.

She nods, the once, lets him, takes the assurance she - cannot do anything with, not right now. But she lets him set his hand on her, and doesn't shrug it off. Maybe that's nothing, but it's as much as she can manage at this moment. Lock it tightly, keep it down to a place that when she can breathe she can do something with that knowledge. That promise. ( She doesn't trust anyone, not anymore, she can't. Gopal and his letters, Tatya Tope and his cowardice. There Lycans in their skins of men, the knights so corrupted in their eternal purpose. Paranoia that runs like deep waters now. )

Not rejection - but she needs her space, right now, little as they have and she says nothing as she steps out of his touch. No, not much, but she doesn't shove him away or throw his words back in his face where that might be easier for him. Nothing is stopping her getting out into that cold air and taking as many breathes as she needs. ]