For Barrayar mods (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
barrayarmods) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
forbarrayar2017-04-02 02:25 pm
barrayarmods) wrote in forbarrayar2017-04-02 02:25 pm
[ april i log: if home is where the heart is ]
Who: Everyone
What: The sun finally comes out in proper spring, the labs are full of excitement, and Piotr prepares for real war. Your princess is in another castle.
When: April 1st - 18th
Where: the Barrayaran camp, the Cetagandan base, Riverfall Village
Warnings: TBD
Quick links:
Riverfall
Barrayar: Camp / Missions
Cetaganda: Base / Missions
TIMELINE
4/5 Eavesdropping Eta
4/6 Eavesdropping Sigma
4/8 Eavesdropping Mu
4/10 Mystery Plot
4/11 - 4/12 Resources: Weapons & Equipment
riverfall
The locals are celebrating the much-welcome coming of spring, and it is a warm one. Pleasant mountain breezes carry the far-off scent of the ocean, and bit by bit, the Barrayaran flora is beginning to bloom. Wildflowers spring up all over, adding a lively splash of color to the camp and village on the backdrop of Barrayar's rust-red native flora.
While the villagers aren't exactly hosting a festival, the entire village is pitching in to sow the spring crops, delayed by the cold freeze. But they lost a quarter of their population to the flu, and they're short on hands. So Barrayarans and outsiders alike come to the village to help, the villagers welcoming them into their homes for the night, as it's a half a day's hike between the camp and the village. While it isn't quite summer yet, the village children are already starting to splash around near the waterfall, inviting others by way of playfully splashing water on them as they pass by.
After the battle, however, the mood in the village turns to ash. With another dozen dead to bury, they've lost almost half their population in the last few months, only 48 of them left, and some of their homes were damaged or destroyed by plasma fire during the fight. Mercifully, their fields were untouched, but the village is littered with bodies, the site of a massacre. Barrayaran soldiers carry off their own dead as well as the Cetagandans, while the villagers burn death offerings beyond the fields.
barrayar
Morale is finally on the rise with the brightening weather, especially with their food stores replenished and the full recovery of the flu in the camp. Their numbers are down, but the Cetagandans' are even worse, and the tactical situation has changed. With half the Cetagandans' force either dead or out of commission, a window of opportunity presents itself. Piotr decides that need to recapture Vorkosigan Vashnoi -- if the city weren't occupied, then Micah's kidnapping by the Cetagandans could have been prevented. The base is an easy target right now with its defenses down -- until reinforcements arrive -- and the reconnaissance they'd done on the base's power generators a few months ago will finally be put to use. They may have a chance at using this to drive the occupying forces out of the city, too.
But they don't have a chance of successfully taking hold of the city without the rest of Piotr's army. About a month before the first outsiders arrived, the location of Piotr's previous camp was discovered by the Cetagandans, and the army split in two to return to fallback locations. The plan was always to rendezvous as soon as possible and reunite the army, and they need to rejoin forces now more than ever. Scouts are sent off into the mountains, looking to make contact with their comrades, and they're in luck -- the other half of Piotr's army, currently led by Major Rifkin, one of his missing general staff.
The last few months haven't been kind to the Barrayarans' supply of weapons and equipment. There's no way they could launch a successful assault on the base with their meager supplies, so Piotr sends several parties to make contact with the underground civilian resistance in Vorkosigan Vashnoi and stock up, then smuggle the weapons out of the city.
They're also low on weapons and equipment, which means Piotr is sending several parties back to Vorkosigan Vashnoi to stock up. Piotr and Ezar have contacts in the city, valuable allies who are part of the underground civilian resistance. They can provide the goods -- but one of the teams will be responsible for making sure the weapons are smuggled safely out of the city with the assistance of other members of the civilian resistance.
With Micah in Cetagandan hands, they are no doubt making progress on the Star Gate Project. Piotr, however, is convinced of Micah's sympathies, and their work could still be to their benefit -- or at least, to the outsiders'. And if nothing else, Micah would be the ideal candidate for sabotage should it come down to it. But for now, Piotr is interested in keeping Micah alive. Micah is a personal friend of Prince Xav's as well as a sympathizer, and their care was entrusted to Piotr, a matter of honor. So for now, his orders to his informants are merely to keep a close eye on Micah and their activities, even befriend them, but not to let slip their true sympathies to Barrayar. And now, with Sonia held captive, Piotr wants more than ever to make new informant contacts on the Cetagandans.
camp
Morale is on the rise, steady and surely. People are feeling good, enjoying the sun and warmth, a relief and a blessing after the weeks of cold and near-starvation. And so the soldiers do what Barrayarans always do when they're in good spirits: they drink. Evenings spent around bonfires playing cards or chest, drinking wine and mead, and they're a lot friendlier to the outsiders these days. Even the new ones have proven themselves with all the aid they gave during the epidemic, so if you're invited over for a drink and a game with the soldiers, don't be too surprised.
Of course, sometimes get taken a little too far, and some soldiers start up some drunken swordfight contests, which probably seemed like a great idea at the time. But you know what they say: it's all fun and games until somebody accidentally gets stabbed in the side. Piotr quickly shuts this down, and anyone involved, outsiders included, is likely to receive punishment, probably in the form of manual labor despite any hangover. The camp is down by over thirty men after last month, but on the (slightly morbid) bright side, at least this means that the outsiders finally get two tents to themselves, which is good considering the warming weather.
After the Princess's capture, however, the mood starts to shift back downhill. They're still not remotely ready to launch their attack on the Cetagandan base, let alone rescue Sonia. Both Piotr and Olivia are in vicious spirits; if you thought Piotr's previous demeanor was dour, he was a ray of frigging sunshine in comparison to now. Now he's furious, frustrated, and he has even less patience for time-wasting bullshit than usual.
missions
Overall, the outsiders' contributions to the spring planting on the village farm is helpful and greatly appreciated: they're able to fully sow their fields, and with the weather, they're hoping for a good summer harvest. However, no one should let Carolina around farming equipment ever again.
Hunting parties were sent out to stock up on food stores, with overall success. Some of the outsiders are proving themselves to be pretty competent hunters, much to the Barrayarans' appreciation.
Scouts were sent out to comb through the Dendarii Mountains for the other half of the army. With some help from the outsiders, William and Wash in particular, they're able to make contact with the other half of Piotr's army to coordinate and reunite their efforts.
Several parties were sent into Vorkosigan Vashnoi to make contact with the underground civilian resistance, which has a strong presence there, and smuggle weapons out of the city. There's a dangerous chase by Cetagandan patrols, but ultimately they're able to make it out of the city safetly and successfully return with the goods.
On the 10th, a Cetagandan patrol unexpectedly shows up in Riverfall when Sonia, Gavalas, and several others are there. A fight breaks out across the whole village, resulting in more than 30 casualties, including two Vorkosigan armsmen, and the Cetagandans successfully capture Sonia back to their base.
The unabridged mission results can be found here.
cetaganda
Zahal is furious at Piotr's successful biowarfare attack on his base, however accidental. It's devastated his ranks, and while they still outnumber the Barrayarans about forty to one, it's still a serious blow. The ghem-General decides that they need to force a forfeit, and they'll have to do it as quickly as possible, before Vorkosigan can strike them while they're down. The Cetagandan patrols double down and start swarming the mountains in search of the guerrilla camp.
The Star Gate Project is well underway with Micah on board, who is cooperating for the time being, though not happily. Most of their waking hours seem to be spent in the lab, though they're around the mess at mealtimes. They are certainly interested in the work -- it's totally unprecedented -- but their true sympathies lie with Barrayar, and they are entirely uncomfortable working for the Cetagandans. They're currently focusing their research efforts on possible power supplies and solving the problem of what, exactly, is getting people from the wormhole to the planet surface. To speed things along in the lab, the Cetagandans are asking for more help with their research -- anyone with any relevant knowledge is highly encouraged to step forward. And any informants for the Barrayarans are being instructed to keep an eye on Micah, too, as well as their progress on the project.
The Handmaiden of the Star Crèche is seen about the base, for certain definitions of seen -- she travels exclusive in an opaque luminescent force bubble, often escorted by one or two of her ba servitors. At the beginning of the month, Haut Sei announces the gene therapy trials they're conducting: if you're one of the exotics who lost genetically inherited powers, or were made human from some other type of being entirely, you are invited to participate in a new, experimental kind of gene therapy. Why participate? Well, they're aiming to restore any lost powers you might have had, although there's no guarantee of success, and such an experimental treatment does, of course, come with risks. But what's a little reward without risk?
base
The base feels unusually dreary in the wake of the epidemic, and with thousands of dead, it's impossible to have a service funeral for each of them individually. And so dozens of collective funerals are held, each of them solemn and steeped in ornate ceremony. The Cetagandans take their dead as seriously as anybody, and no nonsense will be permitted during the funerals. The base is only operating at half capacity, with only about 5,000 soldiers ready for active duty. Zahal has put in a request for reinforcements from Vorbarr Sultana, but that request has yet to be answered.
Haut Sei officially assumes her authority on base as Handmaiden of the Star Crèche, although Diya is, in name, still the head of the genetics project. Sei's ba entourage is most often seen in her company, but occasionally Ba Talim, one of her most faithful, may be seen on its own around the base, possibly on errand for its lady.
Diya is somewhat more present around the base now that the plague is over, but she still most frequently found in the labs or the gardens, and often in the company of Haut Sei, always in her force bubble, making Diya look strangely naked in comparison. The ghem around the base who have recovered are marking earnest attempts at brightening the morbid atmosphere that's settled over the base by decorating the barracks areas with fresh art -- literally freshly engineerd botanical creations, or sometimes hybrid biological-zoological creations…ah, Cetagandan art.
Princess Sonia is taken into custody on the 10th and housed in a cell. The Cetagandans offer her relative freedom to move about the base if she'll only give them her parole; she stubbornly and furiously refuses for the first several days, but the misery of being stuck in a cell by herself gets to her and she reluctantly agrees. Micah, the Cetagandans' other captive, though less strictly guarded, can most often be found in the labs and the mess. Although they're getting to know some of theexotics extrauniversals, they're still ill at ease here and not thrilled to be here. It isn't entirely clear, though, whether Micah's long hours in the labs are by their choice or at the Cetagandans' behest.
missions
The mess is shorthanded, and the exotics' help is much appreciated. A few of them even manage to impress the Cetagandan mess officer a little, who clearly takes the craft very seriously. (They all do.) A few of you, though…you can stick to dishwashing duty, thanks.
As is now established tradition among the exotics (because anything done twice on Barrayar is tradition, and they have done this way more than twice), several people go eavesdropping. On the 5th, Kurt and Pearl overhear Zahal receiving an Imperial writ to turn the entire Star Gate Project over to the Star Crèche. On the 6th, Jasper and Symmetra are caught listening in on a very personal conversation between Diya and Sei, and Diya's overambitious hopes for herself. On the 8th, Byerly and Lapis eavesdrop on a curious conversation between Ba Talim and Diya, hinting that the decision to cull Diya may have been somewhat personal after all.
In the labs, things go more or less alright, although things keep breaking or exploding. A plasma power pack explodes in the lab with Jasper and Whirl (which may or may not be Whirl's fault), though Jasper saves Micah from serious injury. In another stroke of spectacularly bad luck, one of the Necklin rods they've been using for testing falls and crashes down into one of the lab areas, and it's thanks to Natasha that Micah sustains anything more than minor injury.
On the 10th, a Cetagandan patrol unexpectedly shows up in Riverfall when Sonia, Gavalas, and several others are there. A fight breaks out across the whole village, resulting in more than 30 casualties, including two Vorkosigan armsmen, and the Cetagandans successfully capture Sonia back to their base.
The unabridged mission results can be found here.
Note: Negri, Diya and Gail are available for threading by request. Please hit up Madi (Negri & Diya) or Ammay (Gail) if you'd like some CR with the ghem-Lieutenant!
What: The sun finally comes out in proper spring, the labs are full of excitement, and Piotr prepares for real war. Your princess is in another castle.
When: April 1st - 18th
Where: the Barrayaran camp, the Cetagandan base, Riverfall Village
Warnings: TBD
Riverfall
Barrayar: Camp / Missions
Cetaganda: Base / Missions
TIMELINE
4/5 Eavesdropping Eta
4/6 Eavesdropping Sigma
4/8 Eavesdropping Mu
4/10 Mystery Plot
4/11 - 4/12 Resources: Weapons & Equipment
riverfall
The locals are celebrating the much-welcome coming of spring, and it is a warm one. Pleasant mountain breezes carry the far-off scent of the ocean, and bit by bit, the Barrayaran flora is beginning to bloom. Wildflowers spring up all over, adding a lively splash of color to the camp and village on the backdrop of Barrayar's rust-red native flora.
While the villagers aren't exactly hosting a festival, the entire village is pitching in to sow the spring crops, delayed by the cold freeze. But they lost a quarter of their population to the flu, and they're short on hands. So Barrayarans and outsiders alike come to the village to help, the villagers welcoming them into their homes for the night, as it's a half a day's hike between the camp and the village. While it isn't quite summer yet, the village children are already starting to splash around near the waterfall, inviting others by way of playfully splashing water on them as they pass by.
After the battle, however, the mood in the village turns to ash. With another dozen dead to bury, they've lost almost half their population in the last few months, only 48 of them left, and some of their homes were damaged or destroyed by plasma fire during the fight. Mercifully, their fields were untouched, but the village is littered with bodies, the site of a massacre. Barrayaran soldiers carry off their own dead as well as the Cetagandans, while the villagers burn death offerings beyond the fields.
barrayar
Morale is finally on the rise with the brightening weather, especially with their food stores replenished and the full recovery of the flu in the camp. Their numbers are down, but the Cetagandans' are even worse, and the tactical situation has changed. With half the Cetagandans' force either dead or out of commission, a window of opportunity presents itself. Piotr decides that need to recapture Vorkosigan Vashnoi -- if the city weren't occupied, then Micah's kidnapping by the Cetagandans could have been prevented. The base is an easy target right now with its defenses down -- until reinforcements arrive -- and the reconnaissance they'd done on the base's power generators a few months ago will finally be put to use. They may have a chance at using this to drive the occupying forces out of the city, too.
But they don't have a chance of successfully taking hold of the city without the rest of Piotr's army. About a month before the first outsiders arrived, the location of Piotr's previous camp was discovered by the Cetagandans, and the army split in two to return to fallback locations. The plan was always to rendezvous as soon as possible and reunite the army, and they need to rejoin forces now more than ever. Scouts are sent off into the mountains, looking to make contact with their comrades, and they're in luck -- the other half of Piotr's army, currently led by Major Rifkin, one of his missing general staff.
The last few months haven't been kind to the Barrayarans' supply of weapons and equipment. There's no way they could launch a successful assault on the base with their meager supplies, so Piotr sends several parties to make contact with the underground civilian resistance in Vorkosigan Vashnoi and stock up, then smuggle the weapons out of the city.
They're also low on weapons and equipment, which means Piotr is sending several parties back to Vorkosigan Vashnoi to stock up. Piotr and Ezar have contacts in the city, valuable allies who are part of the underground civilian resistance. They can provide the goods -- but one of the teams will be responsible for making sure the weapons are smuggled safely out of the city with the assistance of other members of the civilian resistance.
With Micah in Cetagandan hands, they are no doubt making progress on the Star Gate Project. Piotr, however, is convinced of Micah's sympathies, and their work could still be to their benefit -- or at least, to the outsiders'. And if nothing else, Micah would be the ideal candidate for sabotage should it come down to it. But for now, Piotr is interested in keeping Micah alive. Micah is a personal friend of Prince Xav's as well as a sympathizer, and their care was entrusted to Piotr, a matter of honor. So for now, his orders to his informants are merely to keep a close eye on Micah and their activities, even befriend them, but not to let slip their true sympathies to Barrayar. And now, with Sonia held captive, Piotr wants more than ever to make new informant contacts on the Cetagandans.
camp
Morale is on the rise, steady and surely. People are feeling good, enjoying the sun and warmth, a relief and a blessing after the weeks of cold and near-starvation. And so the soldiers do what Barrayarans always do when they're in good spirits: they drink. Evenings spent around bonfires playing cards or chest, drinking wine and mead, and they're a lot friendlier to the outsiders these days. Even the new ones have proven themselves with all the aid they gave during the epidemic, so if you're invited over for a drink and a game with the soldiers, don't be too surprised.
Of course, sometimes get taken a little too far, and some soldiers start up some drunken swordfight contests, which probably seemed like a great idea at the time. But you know what they say: it's all fun and games until somebody accidentally gets stabbed in the side. Piotr quickly shuts this down, and anyone involved, outsiders included, is likely to receive punishment, probably in the form of manual labor despite any hangover. The camp is down by over thirty men after last month, but on the (slightly morbid) bright side, at least this means that the outsiders finally get two tents to themselves, which is good considering the warming weather.
After the Princess's capture, however, the mood starts to shift back downhill. They're still not remotely ready to launch their attack on the Cetagandan base, let alone rescue Sonia. Both Piotr and Olivia are in vicious spirits; if you thought Piotr's previous demeanor was dour, he was a ray of frigging sunshine in comparison to now. Now he's furious, frustrated, and he has even less patience for time-wasting bullshit than usual.
missions
Overall, the outsiders' contributions to the spring planting on the village farm is helpful and greatly appreciated: they're able to fully sow their fields, and with the weather, they're hoping for a good summer harvest. However, no one should let Carolina around farming equipment ever again.
Hunting parties were sent out to stock up on food stores, with overall success. Some of the outsiders are proving themselves to be pretty competent hunters, much to the Barrayarans' appreciation.
Scouts were sent out to comb through the Dendarii Mountains for the other half of the army. With some help from the outsiders, William and Wash in particular, they're able to make contact with the other half of Piotr's army to coordinate and reunite their efforts.
Several parties were sent into Vorkosigan Vashnoi to make contact with the underground civilian resistance, which has a strong presence there, and smuggle weapons out of the city. There's a dangerous chase by Cetagandan patrols, but ultimately they're able to make it out of the city safetly and successfully return with the goods.
On the 10th, a Cetagandan patrol unexpectedly shows up in Riverfall when Sonia, Gavalas, and several others are there. A fight breaks out across the whole village, resulting in more than 30 casualties, including two Vorkosigan armsmen, and the Cetagandans successfully capture Sonia back to their base.
The unabridged mission results can be found here.
cetaganda
Zahal is furious at Piotr's successful biowarfare attack on his base, however accidental. It's devastated his ranks, and while they still outnumber the Barrayarans about forty to one, it's still a serious blow. The ghem-General decides that they need to force a forfeit, and they'll have to do it as quickly as possible, before Vorkosigan can strike them while they're down. The Cetagandan patrols double down and start swarming the mountains in search of the guerrilla camp.
The Star Gate Project is well underway with Micah on board, who is cooperating for the time being, though not happily. Most of their waking hours seem to be spent in the lab, though they're around the mess at mealtimes. They are certainly interested in the work -- it's totally unprecedented -- but their true sympathies lie with Barrayar, and they are entirely uncomfortable working for the Cetagandans. They're currently focusing their research efforts on possible power supplies and solving the problem of what, exactly, is getting people from the wormhole to the planet surface. To speed things along in the lab, the Cetagandans are asking for more help with their research -- anyone with any relevant knowledge is highly encouraged to step forward. And any informants for the Barrayarans are being instructed to keep an eye on Micah, too, as well as their progress on the project.
The Handmaiden of the Star Crèche is seen about the base, for certain definitions of seen -- she travels exclusive in an opaque luminescent force bubble, often escorted by one or two of her ba servitors. At the beginning of the month, Haut Sei announces the gene therapy trials they're conducting: if you're one of the exotics who lost genetically inherited powers, or were made human from some other type of being entirely, you are invited to participate in a new, experimental kind of gene therapy. Why participate? Well, they're aiming to restore any lost powers you might have had, although there's no guarantee of success, and such an experimental treatment does, of course, come with risks. But what's a little reward without risk?
base
The base feels unusually dreary in the wake of the epidemic, and with thousands of dead, it's impossible to have a service funeral for each of them individually. And so dozens of collective funerals are held, each of them solemn and steeped in ornate ceremony. The Cetagandans take their dead as seriously as anybody, and no nonsense will be permitted during the funerals. The base is only operating at half capacity, with only about 5,000 soldiers ready for active duty. Zahal has put in a request for reinforcements from Vorbarr Sultana, but that request has yet to be answered.
Haut Sei officially assumes her authority on base as Handmaiden of the Star Crèche, although Diya is, in name, still the head of the genetics project. Sei's ba entourage is most often seen in her company, but occasionally Ba Talim, one of her most faithful, may be seen on its own around the base, possibly on errand for its lady.
Diya is somewhat more present around the base now that the plague is over, but she still most frequently found in the labs or the gardens, and often in the company of Haut Sei, always in her force bubble, making Diya look strangely naked in comparison. The ghem around the base who have recovered are marking earnest attempts at brightening the morbid atmosphere that's settled over the base by decorating the barracks areas with fresh art -- literally freshly engineerd botanical creations, or sometimes hybrid biological-zoological creations…ah, Cetagandan art.
Princess Sonia is taken into custody on the 10th and housed in a cell. The Cetagandans offer her relative freedom to move about the base if she'll only give them her parole; she stubbornly and furiously refuses for the first several days, but the misery of being stuck in a cell by herself gets to her and she reluctantly agrees. Micah, the Cetagandans' other captive, though less strictly guarded, can most often be found in the labs and the mess. Although they're getting to know some of the
missions
The mess is shorthanded, and the exotics' help is much appreciated. A few of them even manage to impress the Cetagandan mess officer a little, who clearly takes the craft very seriously. (They all do.) A few of you, though…you can stick to dishwashing duty, thanks.
As is now established tradition among the exotics (because anything done twice on Barrayar is tradition, and they have done this way more than twice), several people go eavesdropping. On the 5th, Kurt and Pearl overhear Zahal receiving an Imperial writ to turn the entire Star Gate Project over to the Star Crèche. On the 6th, Jasper and Symmetra are caught listening in on a very personal conversation between Diya and Sei, and Diya's overambitious hopes for herself. On the 8th, Byerly and Lapis eavesdrop on a curious conversation between Ba Talim and Diya, hinting that the decision to cull Diya may have been somewhat personal after all.
In the labs, things go more or less alright, although things keep breaking or exploding. A plasma power pack explodes in the lab with Jasper and Whirl (which may or may not be Whirl's fault), though Jasper saves Micah from serious injury. In another stroke of spectacularly bad luck, one of the Necklin rods they've been using for testing falls and crashes down into one of the lab areas, and it's thanks to Natasha that Micah sustains anything more than minor injury.
On the 10th, a Cetagandan patrol unexpectedly shows up in Riverfall when Sonia, Gavalas, and several others are there. A fight breaks out across the whole village, resulting in more than 30 casualties, including two Vorkosigan armsmen, and the Cetagandans successfully capture Sonia back to their base.
The unabridged mission results can be found here.
Note: Negri, Diya and Gail are available for threading by request. Please hit up Madi (Negri & Diya) or Ammay (Gail) if you'd like some CR with the ghem-Lieutenant!
no subject
"There you go again," she says, voice shaking, "telling me how I'm supposed to feel. You cannot permit me to be unhappy? Who the hell died and put you in charge of my heart?"
She doesn't quite move, but she leans forward, nothing but hurt and frustration on her face. "That isn't how it works. If a friend is unhappy, you're supposed to help them, not -- not assign yourself responsibility to having failed to prevent it in the first place. So no, it isn't easier to believe. It's absolute horseshit."
no subject
"And how am I to help you, then?" His voice is a miserable bite. "What could make you less unhappy?"
no subject
She doesn't even know if she would forgive him. She just...wants it all undone. She swallows and drops her gaze.
"I don't know," she says quietly, rubbing her arm. "But you...you can't come in here half a friend. You can't come in here, looking to talk, looking to be -- friendly, and dismiss my feelings. You can't refuse to acknowledge that it hurt because I cared about you. You can't tell me that my feelings aren't real. I'm sure it must be easier for you to pretend that way. But if you want to talk like we're friends -- if that's what you really want -- then you owe me at least that much respect."
She looks back up at him again, miserable, desperately lonely even if she won't admit it. She doesn't know why she's even bothering. She should be telling him to get out, to leave, because if he's going to be this way then he can go shove it. But it hurts either way.
"You can start there. But you can't expect me to sit and have pleasant conversation with someone who broke my heart and kept the pieces."
no subject
"And what do you want me to feel, then?" His voice is low and rough. "How do you think it feels for me? You were the first person to treat me with real kindness in...a very long time. And I was caught between you and - " And duty. And honor. And Barrayar. He takes all the pain of that conflict and this string of lies: "This future of being Piotr Vorkosigan's axe-man. His pet torturer. Because of my fucking name. Because of my association with a family that disowned me years ago. What do you think the state of my heart is, Sonia?"
no subject
That's not my fault, she almost wants to say. That wasn't my choice. But she doesn't. The idea that Piotr would do that to Byerly is -- it doesn't feel right, but it doesn't sound entirely wrong, either, and the thought makes her sick. Instead she just looks at him, tears still rolling down her cheeks, hair stuck to her face, utterly aching.
"You feel what you feel," Sonia says softly, her voice creaking around the tears. "That isn't up to me. If it hurts..." Of course it hurts. Betrayal does no one any good. "I can't know what's in your heart, Byerly. But I won't deny you your pain. I wouldn't ever try to take that from you."
no subject
He shoves his hands in his pockets. Glares down at the floor. Tightly, he says, "This is - things as they are. There's no undoing anything. Either we move forward or we rot. Which do you want?"
no subject
"I'm trying to move forward," she grits out, frustrated. "You asked me how. I gave you a start. What do you suggest, Byerly? How do you think we move forward?"
no subject
Why did I say that? At least she seems - angry. Someone angry. If he'd made her cry again -
no subject
"What does my parole have to do with this?" The words tumble out in genuine confusion before she catches herself, hands opening then closing again, wishing she had something to reach for. Some comfort. She needs it so badly right now, more than ever. "Is that why you really came here? To convince me to spare myself from misery?"
no subject
"I know you well enough to know that confinement will only make you miserable. Pride isn't sufficient nourishment for your soul, as it would be for some. You need sunshine and socialization, too."
no subject
"And who am I supposed to socialize with?" It's only half petulant stubbornness, but the question is genuine. "You think I should make nice with my captors?"
no subject
no subject
Her gaze falls again, though, and she rubs her forehead where Tarn had struck her with the stunner. It hadn't left much of a conspicuous mark after the med techs had treated her while she was still stunned. Just a little cut, a little brusing, mostly hidden by her hair. Byerly has a point about Micah -- that's one person Sonia might be able to safely trust -- but she knews only a few outsiders here. Their first impressions hadn't been good.
"I don't...know how much I want to be around the outsiders, either." Her voice is very small, and she shifts uncomfortably. "Some of them were at the village, helping -- fighting. I'm...uneasy."
It's far too mild, a euphemism for scared. She hadn't seen much of Natasha in all the chaos, no, but Tarn had been enough. Sonia knows how to recognize a true sadist when she sees one.
no subject
He looks away again quickly.
"And being trapped in here makes you less afraid?" He gives a small shrug. "The soldiers follow orders, just as - " Ours, he almost said. "The Barrayaran soldiers do. They're not monsters for that. If you think that these actions were hideous, then hate the general and his colonels, not the people whose job is to obey."
A hesitation, then - "And as for the outsiders...There are some to avoid. But the character of one does not reflect on the character of all."
no subject
Sonia looks away, too, rocking a step back. "At least those guards are here to protect me as well as hold me here," she points out stubbornly, because Tarn's terrifying red eyes still burn bright in her mind. "I'm...sure some of the other outsiders are fine. The ones who escaped over to our side I liked well enough. But I don't know how easy it will be to avoid -- " She falters, realizing she didn't get that outsider's name, or at least remember it. "I don't know her name. That woman with all those scars on her face. Red eyes."
no subject
"Then take a personal guard," he says. He gives a small shrug. "Natasha Romanova is a charming woman - speaks Russian, though not Barrayaran Russian. That odd woman Pearl, too, who was captured those months back - she's terribly serious. Satya is a lovely girl, too. Wonderful company. All capable and ferocious in their ways." He smiles wanly down at the floor. "I could volunteer as well." And suffer every moment. God. I can't take the way you look at me.
no subject
"I don't know any of those people," she says, a touch petulantly, an echo of that pout she always puts on so effortlessly. She blinks back further tears. "You could. But you won't."
no subject
no subject
She might have said yes if this had gone differently, if he hadn't kept sweeping her feelings aside, her attempts at trying to make sense of things, her attempts just to hurt and heal. She might even have asked him. Unlikely, but traitor though he is, Sonia could not bring herself to believe he would wish on her actual harm, let alone do it himself.
She just looks crushed now, tired. She wants to go to sleep and not wake up until she's back with her sister, with the hell she's called home for ten years. She wants this to all be some awful nightmare. For all that he keeps hurting her, Byerly keeps making it so difficult to hate him. Maybe Piotr was right.
"No, I wouldn't put my life in the hands of someone who won't even look at me when he talks to me. Who looks like he wants to crawl out of skin every time he does. Who won't even let me heal."
no subject
"My mere presence keeps you from being able to heal, doesn't it?" he asks distantly. He smiles down at his feet. "So it's an impossible question you asked. You never would have wanted me."
no subject
You. She breaks off, a shaky breath turning into a quiet sob. "I just wanted my friend back."
no subject
"Which is why I said that we have to move forward," he says, his voice rough. "No one ever gets anyone back. That's now how life works. You only ever lose people. You - " He runs his hand through his hair roughly. It shakes. His throat clenches. He tries again. "We can try something else here. Try to figure out something else. But I can't be the person you knew back at camp. Honestly, Sonia, I've told you, I was lying to you, planning to leave. Why would you even want that Byerly back?"
no subject
"That Byerly made me feel safe. Like it was alright to be myself. That Byerly held me when I cried, made me laugh, listened to me. Why wouldn't I want that Byerly back?" She half reaches out a hand, pulls it back, curling it into a first. "You said you cared about me. That you still do. Was any of that real? Was any part of that friendship real to you, or just another thing to discard when it doesn't fit you anymore? Do you care now? Did you care then? Were you really that close, close enough to mourn it, or was it just something I was just foolish enough to buy into? Which is it, Byerly? Because if it wasn't real, if you never meant any of it enough for it to survive what you keep insisting was nothing personal, then just tell me now. Spare me my grief. Let me heal. But don't you hold that cut open like this because it suits your ego, your self-pity, your whatever -- if you really, truly believe that none of that was real enough to be worth saving, that my feelings were that stupid and misguided, then just cut me loose now."
She's angry, yes, but there's a desperation in her voice. She's tired. The longer he stays, the further any hope of solace drifts away. She's hurt, she's so hurt by his betrayal, but she misses his comfort even more. He just -- he just keeps yanking it out of reach, refusing to let her close the gap between her hurt and her healing enough for her to reach him.
no subject
Because he has to. Because he must. Because his job isn't just to maintain his cover. His job is to protect her in every way he is able. A Vor's service is not just in body; a Vor's service is in soul. He can hold nothing back if it means her well-being, not even in his self-loathing, not even in his defensiveness.
And so, eyes pressed shut, chest tight, he whispers just three words: "It was real."
no subject
It's the answer she wanted to hear, insofar as she wanted any answers to this, this ultimately unsolvable problem, because at the end of the day Byerly is still a traitor. But it does matter. It matters immensely. It is, in its way, an almost unbearable relief. It doesn't hurt any less, it just hurts -- differently. In a way she can bear. Sonia's breath catches in her throat, and she almost chokes on it, but she can breathe.
"It was real," she whispers back, in affirmation, insistence. She wraps her arms around herself, feeling tears well up again, wishing desperately for comfort. She wishes her sister were here -- no, she wishes Beth were here. Beth wouldn't pass any I-told-you-so's over this. "And so my feelings are real. And so you are real. You couldn't have hurt me if you weren't. If none of it was."
If this is some kind of victory, it's bitter as hell and she chokes on it, but even if she wanted to take it back, she couldn't. There is still so much to untangle, so much she must struggle through -- but now, at least, she has a clearer picture. She knows how Byerly's defection should make her feel.
She still wants it all undone.
Sonia's breathing is ragged, short, still interrupted by irregular hiccups. "So start there," she says, reaching out despite herself. "That's where you start."
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)