[ april i log: if home is where the heart is ]

[barrayarmods]

Who: Everyone
What: The sun finally comes out in proper spring, the labs are full of excitement, and Piotr prepares for real war. Your princess is in another castle.
When: April 1st - 18th
Where: the Barrayaran camp, the Cetagandan base, Riverfall Village
Warnings: TBD

Quick links:
Riverfall
Barrayar: Camp / Missions
Cetaganda: Base / Missions

TIMELINE
4/5 Eavesdropping Eta
4/6 Eavesdropping Sigma
4/8 Eavesdropping Mu
4/10 Mystery Plot
4/11 - 4/12 Resources: Weapons & Equipment

riverfall
The locals are celebrating the much-welcome coming of spring, and it is a warm one. Pleasant mountain breezes carry the far-off scent of the ocean, and bit by bit, the Barrayaran flora is beginning to bloom. Wildflowers spring up all over, adding a lively splash of color to the camp and village on the backdrop of Barrayar's rust-red native flora.

While the villagers aren't exactly hosting a festival, the entire village is pitching in to sow the spring crops, delayed by the cold freeze. But they lost a quarter of their population to the flu, and they're short on hands. So Barrayarans and outsiders alike come to the village to help, the villagers welcoming them into their homes for the night, as it's a half a day's hike between the camp and the village. While it isn't quite summer yet, the village children are already starting to splash around near the waterfall, inviting others by way of playfully splashing water on them as they pass by.

After the battle, however, the mood in the village turns to ash. With another dozen dead to bury, they've lost almost half their population in the last few months, only 48 of them left, and some of their homes were damaged or destroyed by plasma fire during the fight. Mercifully, their fields were untouched, but the village is littered with bodies, the site of a massacre. Barrayaran soldiers carry off their own dead as well as the Cetagandans, while the villagers burn death offerings beyond the fields.

barrayar
Morale is finally on the rise with the brightening weather, especially with their food stores replenished and the full recovery of the flu in the camp. Their numbers are down, but the Cetagandans' are even worse, and the tactical situation has changed. With half the Cetagandans' force either dead or out of commission, a window of opportunity presents itself. Piotr decides that need to recapture Vorkosigan Vashnoi -- if the city weren't occupied, then Micah's kidnapping by the Cetagandans could have been prevented. The base is an easy target right now with its defenses down -- until reinforcements arrive -- and the reconnaissance they'd done on the base's power generators a few months ago will finally be put to use. They may have a chance at using this to drive the occupying forces out of the city, too.

But they don't have a chance of successfully taking hold of the city without the rest of Piotr's army. About a month before the first outsiders arrived, the location of Piotr's previous camp was discovered by the Cetagandans, and the army split in two to return to fallback locations. The plan was always to rendezvous as soon as possible and reunite the army, and they need to rejoin forces now more than ever. Scouts are sent off into the mountains, looking to make contact with their comrades, and they're in luck -- the other half of Piotr's army, currently led by Major Rifkin, one of his missing general staff.

The last few months haven't been kind to the Barrayarans' supply of weapons and equipment. There's no way they could launch a successful assault on the base with their meager supplies, so Piotr sends several parties to make contact with the underground civilian resistance in Vorkosigan Vashnoi and stock up, then smuggle the weapons out of the city.

They're also low on weapons and equipment, which means Piotr is sending several parties back to Vorkosigan Vashnoi to stock up. Piotr and Ezar have contacts in the city, valuable allies who are part of the underground civilian resistance. They can provide the goods -- but one of the teams will be responsible for making sure the weapons are smuggled safely out of the city with the assistance of other members of the civilian resistance.

With Micah in Cetagandan hands, they are no doubt making progress on the Star Gate Project. Piotr, however, is convinced of Micah's sympathies, and their work could still be to their benefit -- or at least, to the outsiders'. And if nothing else, Micah would be the ideal candidate for sabotage should it come down to it. But for now, Piotr is interested in keeping Micah alive. Micah is a personal friend of Prince Xav's as well as a sympathizer, and their care was entrusted to Piotr, a matter of honor. So for now, his orders to his informants are merely to keep a close eye on Micah and their activities, even befriend them, but not to let slip their true sympathies to Barrayar. And now, with Sonia held captive, Piotr wants more than ever to make new informant contacts on the Cetagandans.

camp
Morale is on the rise, steady and surely. People are feeling good, enjoying the sun and warmth, a relief and a blessing after the weeks of cold and near-starvation. And so the soldiers do what Barrayarans always do when they're in good spirits: they drink. Evenings spent around bonfires playing cards or chest, drinking wine and mead, and they're a lot friendlier to the outsiders these days. Even the new ones have proven themselves with all the aid they gave during the epidemic, so if you're invited over for a drink and a game with the soldiers, don't be too surprised.

Of course, sometimes get taken a little too far, and some soldiers start up some drunken swordfight contests, which probably seemed like a great idea at the time. But you know what they say: it's all fun and games until somebody accidentally gets stabbed in the side. Piotr quickly shuts this down, and anyone involved, outsiders included, is likely to receive punishment, probably in the form of manual labor despite any hangover. The camp is down by over thirty men after last month, but on the (slightly morbid) bright side, at least this means that the outsiders finally get two tents to themselves, which is good considering the warming weather.

After the Princess's capture, however, the mood starts to shift back downhill. They're still not remotely ready to launch their attack on the Cetagandan base, let alone rescue Sonia. Both Piotr and Olivia are in vicious spirits; if you thought Piotr's previous demeanor was dour, he was a ray of frigging sunshine in comparison to now. Now he's furious, frustrated, and he has even less patience for time-wasting bullshit than usual.

missions
Overall, the outsiders' contributions to the spring planting on the village farm is helpful and greatly appreciated: they're able to fully sow their fields, and with the weather, they're hoping for a good summer harvest. However, no one should let Carolina around farming equipment ever again.

Hunting parties were sent out to stock up on food stores, with overall success. Some of the outsiders are proving themselves to be pretty competent hunters, much to the Barrayarans' appreciation.

Scouts were sent out to comb through the Dendarii Mountains for the other half of the army. With some help from the outsiders, William and Wash in particular, they're able to make contact with the other half of Piotr's army to coordinate and reunite their efforts.

Several parties were sent into Vorkosigan Vashnoi to make contact with the underground civilian resistance, which has a strong presence there, and smuggle weapons out of the city. There's a dangerous chase by Cetagandan patrols, but ultimately they're able to make it out of the city safetly and successfully return with the goods.

On the 10th, a Cetagandan patrol unexpectedly shows up in Riverfall when Sonia, Gavalas, and several others are there. A fight breaks out across the whole village, resulting in more than 30 casualties, including two Vorkosigan armsmen, and the Cetagandans successfully capture Sonia back to their base.

The unabridged mission results can be found here.

cetaganda
Zahal is furious at Piotr's successful biowarfare attack on his base, however accidental. It's devastated his ranks, and while they still outnumber the Barrayarans about forty to one, it's still a serious blow. The ghem-General decides that they need to force a forfeit, and they'll have to do it as quickly as possible, before Vorkosigan can strike them while they're down. The Cetagandan patrols double down and start swarming the mountains in search of the guerrilla camp.

The Star Gate Project is well underway with Micah on board, who is cooperating for the time being, though not happily. Most of their waking hours seem to be spent in the lab, though they're around the mess at mealtimes. They are certainly interested in the work -- it's totally unprecedented -- but their true sympathies lie with Barrayar, and they are entirely uncomfortable working for the Cetagandans. They're currently focusing their research efforts on possible power supplies and solving the problem of what, exactly, is getting people from the wormhole to the planet surface. To speed things along in the lab, the Cetagandans are asking for more help with their research -- anyone with any relevant knowledge is highly encouraged to step forward. And any informants for the Barrayarans are being instructed to keep an eye on Micah, too, as well as their progress on the project.

The Handmaiden of the Star Crèche is seen about the base, for certain definitions of seen -- she travels exclusive in an opaque luminescent force bubble, often escorted by one or two of her ba servitors. At the beginning of the month, Haut Sei announces the gene therapy trials they're conducting: if you're one of the exotics who lost genetically inherited powers, or were made human from some other type of being entirely, you are invited to participate in a new, experimental kind of gene therapy. Why participate? Well, they're aiming to restore any lost powers you might have had, although there's no guarantee of success, and such an experimental treatment does, of course, come with risks. But what's a little reward without risk?

base
The base feels unusually dreary in the wake of the epidemic, and with thousands of dead, it's impossible to have a service funeral for each of them individually. And so dozens of collective funerals are held, each of them solemn and steeped in ornate ceremony. The Cetagandans take their dead as seriously as anybody, and no nonsense will be permitted during the funerals. The base is only operating at half capacity, with only about 5,000 soldiers ready for active duty. Zahal has put in a request for reinforcements from Vorbarr Sultana, but that request has yet to be answered.

Haut Sei officially assumes her authority on base as Handmaiden of the Star Crèche, although Diya is, in name, still the head of the genetics project. Sei's ba entourage is most often seen in her company, but occasionally Ba Talim, one of her most faithful, may be seen on its own around the base, possibly on errand for its lady.

Diya is somewhat more present around the base now that the plague is over, but she still most frequently found in the labs or the gardens, and often in the company of Haut Sei, always in her force bubble, making Diya look strangely naked in comparison. The ghem around the base who have recovered are marking earnest attempts at brightening the morbid atmosphere that's settled over the base by decorating the barracks areas with fresh art -- literally freshly engineerd botanical creations, or sometimes hybrid biological-zoological creations…ah, Cetagandan art.

Princess Sonia is taken into custody on the 10th and housed in a cell. The Cetagandans offer her relative freedom to move about the base if she'll only give them her parole; she stubbornly and furiously refuses for the first several days, but the misery of being stuck in a cell by herself gets to her and she reluctantly agrees. Micah, the Cetagandans' other captive, though less strictly guarded, can most often be found in the labs and the mess. Although they're getting to know some of the exotics extrauniversals, they're still ill at ease here and not thrilled to be here. It isn't entirely clear, though, whether Micah's long hours in the labs are by their choice or at the Cetagandans' behest.

missions
The mess is shorthanded, and the exotics' help is much appreciated. A few of them even manage to impress the Cetagandan mess officer a little, who clearly takes the craft very seriously. (They all do.) A few of you, though…you can stick to dishwashing duty, thanks.

As is now established tradition among the exotics (because anything done twice on Barrayar is tradition, and they have done this way more than twice), several people go eavesdropping. On the 5th, Kurt and Pearl overhear Zahal receiving an Imperial writ to turn the entire Star Gate Project over to the Star Crèche. On the 6th, Jasper and Symmetra are caught listening in on a very personal conversation between Diya and Sei, and Diya's overambitious hopes for herself. On the 8th, Byerly and Lapis eavesdrop on a curious conversation between Ba Talim and Diya, hinting that the decision to cull Diya may have been somewhat personal after all.

In the labs, things go more or less alright, although things keep breaking or exploding. A plasma power pack explodes in the lab with Jasper and Whirl (which may or may not be Whirl's fault), though Jasper saves Micah from serious injury. In another stroke of spectacularly bad luck, one of the Necklin rods they've been using for testing falls and crashes down into one of the lab areas, and it's thanks to Natasha that Micah sustains anything more than minor injury.

On the 10th, a Cetagandan patrol unexpectedly shows up in Riverfall when Sonia, Gavalas, and several others are there. A fight breaks out across the whole village, resulting in more than 30 casualties, including two Vorkosigan armsmen, and the Cetagandans successfully capture Sonia back to their base.

The unabridged mission results can be found here.

Note: Negri, Diya and Gail are available for threading by request. Please hit up Madi (Negri & Diya) or Ammay (Gail) if you'd like some CR with the ghem-Lieutenant!

Comments

[vorbratta]

Sonia already feels a deep curl of regret, a sputter of self-loathing at having hit him. She'd wanted to. She'd thought about doing it plenty, all those times she'd cried into her pillow, oscillating between hurt and anger. But she doesn't feel much better for having done it.

Only a little.

Why? Why is he looking at her like that? He's never looked at her like that before, never so plainly, with no trace of the mocking irony that was always there even when he'd struggled to tell the truth. When she thought he had, anyway. It shakes her, jars her out of every response she could have rehearsed. Sonia curls her fingers around her stinging palm, tears bright in her eyes despite herself, all of that tangled emotion now rendered muddled and uncertain.

"For what," she says, her voice utterly flat but nearly as choked as his. She wants to hear him say it out loud. She needs to hear him say it.

[vorrutyer]

His eyes slide over to the side, avoiding her gaze. His voice gets just a little strained, but he still speaks. Without hesitation. He sounds like someone who's gone over this a hundred times himself; his words are just a little bit too polished. He sounds like he's spent the time since her capture rehearsing this, preparing to say it to her.

"Not for leaving," he says. "I won't apologize for that. But I'm sorry for not telling you before I went. I'd wanted to, but there wasn't time. When there was an opportunity to leave, I had to take it; I couldn't linger, not even long enough to write a note. I had to take advantage of the gap in the patrols to get away."

[vorbratta]

Sonia looks at him incredulously, feeling a little sick. None of this feels right. The tears stay standing in her eyes, but they threaten to spill over.

"What difference would that have made?" The words come out hitched, but clear enough, strong enough. "How would that have been any better? What would that have done for me?"

[vorrutyer]

He leans against the wall behind him. He doesn't quite meet her eyes, guilt written clearly in his face. A little twist of his mouth showing his unhappiness and discontent.

"It would have...meant you weren't taken by surprise, to begin with," he says. "I can only imagine what you assumed had happened to me, and that - well. I have to think that was painful. And it would have meant that I could have told you some of my reasons, too." He looks at her, finally, and his mouth is twisted in frustration. He is self-evidently sincere, honest, forthright, unhesitating. "Why I left."

[vorbratta]

It's the honesty that makes her wary. It was never his first choice. Even when it was in the interest of protecting her, he had always preferred to lie first. But now...now she doesn't know if any of that honesty was genuine. If he was just that good at pretending to be bad at something that should have come so easily. She finds it impossible to judge now, and it knots up her stomach.

Her hands are clenched at her side, but she hasn't pulled back, her eyes burning into him even while he looks away.

"What good reason could you possibly have?" Sonia spits out the words like they're too bitter in her mouth. "Why did you leave, Byerly?"

[vorrutyer]

"Because of what Vorkosigan was demanding of me." He answers at once. His mouth twists bitterly; his hands go into his pockets, and he stares balefully at the ground. The way he glances around, the way he moves, he hardly even seems to notice her gaze. He doesn't flinch from it, doesn't shudder under its heat. Because...he can't let himself really see her. He can't let himself think about who it is he's lying to and manipulating.He just needs to lie and to manipulate, and not let the sick misery he feels overwhelm him. He can't...

"You heard that he brought me in to help him when he tortured that Komarran, right?" He glares down. "Because the Sanguinaire was good at torture, and all my ancestors back since House Vorrutyer was first created, so I clearly would be too. And there was just going to be more of it going forward. He wanted someone to put atrocity in the service of warfare. The pressure was coming more and more." His jaw clenches. "I needed to get away from it. From him. Before he put a knife in my hand and commanded me to flay or be flayed."

[vorbratta]

Yes, she'd known Byerly had been brought in to Duv's interrogation, but somehow she hadn't imagined him much of an active participant, not when Piotr has plenty of men willing and practiced at it, not the least of all himself. But the worst thing is, it...it doesn't sound implausible. Not at all. Piotr isn't a heartless monster, but Sonia knows what he's willing to do to win the war. She isn't quite as sheltered from that as Piotr and Olivia might think.

She falters, rocking back a half-step, looking sick and still hurt and now, creeping back into her expression, angry. Her throat works for a moment before she manages to get any words out.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she demands, finally, as though she could have talked Piotr out of it. As though it were stupid not to tell her, as though it were some lie of omission.

[vorrutyer]

"Because...like I said. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision."

She's starting to believe me. Good. That's good. That's really good. That's...necessary. That's not something to feel guilty about. He'll come clean, completely clean, afterwards. And then -

And then what? And then she'll never trust me again. But trust - her trust, her love, all of it - that doesn't matter. What matters is getting her out of here alive and all right. Saving her life, saving her suffering. Next to that, her relationship with him is nothing.

"I knew if I'd tried to leave, Vorkosigan would have dragged me back and had me executed for desertion. The other outsiders might be free to choose, but I'm Vor. I'm good as conscripted. So there was a moment when there was no one - when I was far from the camp, when I had supplies, when no one would be looking for me. If I'd delayed..."

It's not quite an answer to her question. Because he's fairly certain she's asking why he didn't tell her about Piotr's treatment of him. And he's...thinking up a good response to that question even as his mouth chatters on automatically and buys him time.

[vorbratta]

He isn't wrong. That's the worst thing, the most frustrating thing. She'd even said as much to Miles -- that even if he could be convinced not to help the Cetagandans, Piotr would only have had him executed as soon as he returned to camp.

She's losing excuses to be angry with him, each dropping away after the next, and it isn't until they start to that she realizes she wanted them. That she did want to be angry at Byerly, just a little bit.

"Byerly," she cuts him off sharply, her voice hot and raw. Nothing has quite managed to eclipse the hurt on her face. She's tired of lies and excuses. She doesn't even know if she's still getting them, if that's all she's going to get, but she's tired of it.

[vorrutyer]

Right. He rubs a hand along his cheek and shrugs roughly. He formulates his excuses, saying - "What would you have done? You know him." He takes a breath. "If I had a woman arguing my cause, Vorkosigan would have hated me even more. He'd have been even more determined to make me into someone brutal instead of someone weak. And it would have compromised your relationship, wouldn't it? He'd have been furious with you. And I know that if I'd told you, you would have tried to help me, wouldn't you?"

He shakes his head, then, meeting her eyes directly. "You know that this - in the Dendarii Mountains - it's not my Barrayar. I'm from a very different sort of place - " And then he lifts his hand in a subtle, quelling gesture, a sort of keep your secrets gesture, because the last damned thing he needs is to seem more interesting to Diya and whoever else might be listening in, and he doesn't need Sonia to start chatting about alternate-dimension Barrayars or time-travel - "Vorbarr Sultana. And this Barrayar, the Dendarii Rebel Barrayar, was going to be the death of me."

[vorbratta]

How dare he dangle that fantasy before her again, that other Vorbarr Sultana. Even that she was no longer sure of, if it's truth or not, even if it has always seemed the most likely explanation in the face of everything else. But it could just as easily be made an excuse for his cowardice.

She opens her mouth to object that no, Piotr wouldn't have been furious at her for it, it wouldn't have damaged their relationship; he'd have been angry, certainly, called her foolish and banished the topic, but it wouldn't be the first time. She'd have fought for Byerly.

She holds his gaze, staring in disbelief and ever-present hurt, even as she shakes her head slightly, slowly. Her chest feels impossibly tight.

"Death before dishonor," she breathes, her voice raw.

[vorrutyer]

His smile twists just a bit. And in a moment of weakness, something truthful breaks through the careful lies. It comes out in his voice with an ironic twist, a little sarcastic drawl in his voice that distances him from the uncomfortable sincerity of this sentiment. He says to her, "Maybe so. But what constitutes dishonor - that is where my opinions differ from most of the Vor class."

He gets control of his emotions, then, and continues on more neutrally. "To torture a helpless man - that is dishonor. I believe that truly. To disrespect the dead, even the dead of the enemy, is dishonor. To kill a child is dishonor." He shrugs and casts his eyes at the opposite wall. "Should I have cut my throat back at camp, then, Sonia? Should I have left my body for you to find?"

[vorbratta]

Sonia flinches, and there are so many things she wants to say to that -- that he hasn't been in war half his life, that he doesn't understand, couldn't possibly understand that unshakable loyalty to the cause is the only virtue that matters anymore, because without that there is no Barrayar, and without Barrayar, they are nothing. Nothing but dust.

"I thought you were dead already," she whispers, her voice wavering. She still doesn't know what would have been worse. And then, in a fit of emotion rising up hot in her throat, she bursts out, "You miss your home, so you try to destroy mine instead? Where is the honor in that, Byerly?"

[vorrutyer]

"It won't be destruction." His lips thin. He looks down at his feet. "It'll just be...different. A different form of government. You know full well that Barrayar isn't the Vor class. Barrayar is her people. And even called by a different name, under a different form of government, the people will survive. And they'll survive brought into the modern era - given proper medicine, proper education. Girls will be allowed to go to school - and they'll reproduce with uterine replicators instead of having to undergo the brutality of body-births. Mutations will be surgically corrected instead of the babies being killed.

"And at what cost? Replacing the Vor prefix with ghem? What a great loss." He shakes his head, then, though he doesn't look up at her. "All that the Vor have done - have ever done for this world - is leech off it. Our social class is parasitic. We soak up the good labor of the proles, and we use the wealth of their hands to...what, get drunk and fight duels and make war on each other. At least the worst the ghem do is make incomprehensible art. And make war on others, planets away." He points heavenwards. "Instead of ripping themselves and their own people apart."

[vorbratta]

Now -- now Sonia starts to feel anger rising in her chest, making her gaze hot, and she refuses to let herself blink and spill the tears standing in her eyes. Her breathing is shallow as she stares at him, fists clenched at her sides. Her palm doesn't sting so much anymore.

"Is that what you think will happen?" She can't bear to bring her voice above a whisper, too angry, too incredulous. "You think that's what will happen if they win? That the Vor will all be made honorary ghem, treated as equal? Are you stupid?"

Because he doesn't seem mad right now. Just shortsighted and -- and incredibly, unthinkably stupid. She rocks that half-step back toward him.

"You talk as though we never could have had those things, as though we weren't working toward them already. We'd have gotten there on our own. We were hardly even had a chance before they ripped it away from us. They've killed millions of us!"

Her voice jumps into a raw shout without her intending to, filling the small space of the cell. She grits her teeth, lowers her voice again, but just barely.

"What do you think has happened to the people on every other planet the Cetagandans have taken under their wing under the pretext of enlightenment? Do you hear the Cetagandans celebrating their cultures, the -- ha -- diversity of their empire? The people here might be able to live under Cetagandan rule, yes, it wouldn't mean the total obliteration of the planet's population, they'd be alive -- but believe me, Byerly Vorrutyer, if the Cetagandans win, there will be nothing left of Barrayar. Not as you or I know it. Not as you or I love it."

[vorrutyer]

"Who says I love it?" The smile is back, twisted and miserable. "Tell me, Sonia, how can I love a world that hates me? Barrayar has always hated me. All her Vor have always seen me as a pathetic disgrace. Someone to laugh at and mock. Impoverished, disinherited, disgraced. Unmanly and unsoldierly. Three-quarters mad. How could I love a place like this?"

How, indeed? The bitterness in his voice is real. It's the confusion that he hides. Because how does he still love this place...? After all of that?

"Tell me truly. If you'd grown up as a prole instead of a beloved daughter of the highest of Vor - hell, if you'd always had to endure this place, instead of getting your time on Beta to make you sane and happy - would you love Barrayar as much as you do?"

[vorbratta]

That rebuttal stings, more than stings, and it shows on her face, the way she flinches back away from him. Instinctively she goes to clench her hands in her skirt, a familiar tic to fall back on, but she remembers she's wearing these damned fatigues and so she wrings her hands together instead, struggling.

"I cannot possibly answer that," she finally manages, because she can't, because she doesn't have the perspective needed to imagine, because -- because Byerly might be right. But the proles, they love Barrayar just as fiercely. They're fighting, too, aren't they?

The war will end. Have faith. It will end, and you will be...alright.

She feels childish now, wanting to bust into tears, but every word feels like another betrayal. "Why would you give me false hope? Why would you lie to me the way you did?"

[vorrutyer]

"When did I lie?" He rolls his head to the side, very slightly, still not looking at her. He feels tired. He feels - very tired. "None of my hope was false. We both hope for the war to end. We both hope for peace, and a better life for everyone. Including for the misfits." A small gesture of his hand takes in the both of them.

"That isn't a lie. That will happen in time. One way or another."

[vorbratta]

She keeps grasping for reasons to be angry, accusations to pin him down with, and he eludes every one, save for his cowardice. For how wrong he is. But she does not know if she can sway him from that. And it hurts, somehow it hurts that he could have been entirely truthful and still hurt her in this way. Her trust still feels inexorably betrayed. She shuts her eyes.

"If Cetaganda wins this war," she says, voice creaking, "then I would rather die than live under its heel."

It isn't a threat. Sonia doesn't intend to wield her own life like a weapon. It's only the truth.

[vorrutyer]

He looks away, his jaw working. His mind is filled suddenly with horrific visions. Sonia killing herself. Sonia killing herself, and him helpless to stop in. Because of him, because of him -

"Live amongst them a while." He gives a small shrug. "Before you judge. Give your parole and go out amongst them. Socialize with them." Get attachments to people, to the outsiders, so that they'll watch out for you too. "Then see."

[vorbratta]

"I am not," Sonia says flatly, crossing her arms defensively over her chest, "giving them my parole. I have no desire to walk around and be gawked at, or have more horseshit propaganda dumped on me, or to have the ghem pretending to be polite at me."

She'll go mad in here, no doubt, but maybe madness is preferable. She's curious about the outsiders, yes, and -- Micah, the scientist is here, aren't they -- but somehow admitting it to Byerly seems like a self-betrayal. She totters back away from him, sitting back down on her cot hard, arms wrapped around herself. She feels suddenly very small and alone.

[vorrutyer]

He lets a bit of sarcasm creep into his voice as he expresses his true desire for her. His true hope. "Then go out there and propagandize them," he drawls. With a short shrug - "If the Barrayaran cause is so just, then go out and tell them about it. Sway them to your side." He gives a little sigh and shakes his head. "In here, the only thing you're doing is breathing their air and eating their food. Maybe out there you could contribute to the Barrayaran effort."

[vorbratta]

She used to find that drawling sarcasm entertaining, but now she just flinches at it, curling in on herself.

"You don't mean that."

She sounds close to tears. She's getting weary of holding them back now. She just wants to cry, even with no one to console her. She wishes her sister were here. Or Gavalas, or Beth, or Tucker, or Wash, or...anyone. She never thought Byerly could make her feel so alone.

"You don't believe it'd make any difference. You're already so convinced the Cetagandans will win. You mock me in my misery."

[vorrutyer]

"You make me cruel."

His eyes narrow very slightly, and his head tilts to the side. His voice is quiet and low.

"The fact that we disagree on the right path for this world - that does not make me hate you. A hundred years of war, a thousand atrocities, would not make me wish you harm. That will never change." He jerks his chin up, then, and says, "Death before dishonor, as you said. It would be the rankest dishonor to make you suffer deliberately when you have been better to me than - " A strange painful bloom of sincerity makes this last word difficult. "Anyone. In my life."

[vorbratta]

Sonia looks at him, her hands curled tightly over her knees, wishing desperately she had something to hold onto. Something to comfort her. Anything.

You make me cruel. That feels like a kick to the stomach, and it shows on her face, no armor to protect her. She chokes back a sob at that, her face flushed, glistening with tear tracks.

How is she supposed to take any of this? Is she supposed to take him at his word? What kind of lies are these, anyway, if they are lies? If that's an admission of loyalty, then what the hell kind of loyalty is that? She had always wanted to be good to him, because he was important, because he deserved it, because she loved him in a way she's never loved anybody else and suspects she never will, because theirs had never been an ordinary bond. Her shoulders shake.

"But you did," she says accusingly as she bursts into tears, breath hitching in her throat. "You knew it would hurt, that it would really hurt. You must have, or else you really are stupid. You abandoned me anyway."

She knows she must seem childish, but she doesn't know which of them is being more selfish.