[ april i log: if home is where the heart is ]

[barrayarmods]

Who: Everyone
What: The sun finally comes out in proper spring, the labs are full of excitement, and Piotr prepares for real war. Your princess is in another castle.
When: April 1st - 18th
Where: the Barrayaran camp, the Cetagandan base, Riverfall Village
Warnings: TBD

Quick links:
Riverfall
Barrayar: Camp / Missions
Cetaganda: Base / Missions

TIMELINE
4/5 Eavesdropping Eta
4/6 Eavesdropping Sigma
4/8 Eavesdropping Mu
4/10 Mystery Plot
4/11 - 4/12 Resources: Weapons & Equipment

riverfall
The locals are celebrating the much-welcome coming of spring, and it is a warm one. Pleasant mountain breezes carry the far-off scent of the ocean, and bit by bit, the Barrayaran flora is beginning to bloom. Wildflowers spring up all over, adding a lively splash of color to the camp and village on the backdrop of Barrayar's rust-red native flora.

While the villagers aren't exactly hosting a festival, the entire village is pitching in to sow the spring crops, delayed by the cold freeze. But they lost a quarter of their population to the flu, and they're short on hands. So Barrayarans and outsiders alike come to the village to help, the villagers welcoming them into their homes for the night, as it's a half a day's hike between the camp and the village. While it isn't quite summer yet, the village children are already starting to splash around near the waterfall, inviting others by way of playfully splashing water on them as they pass by.

After the battle, however, the mood in the village turns to ash. With another dozen dead to bury, they've lost almost half their population in the last few months, only 48 of them left, and some of their homes were damaged or destroyed by plasma fire during the fight. Mercifully, their fields were untouched, but the village is littered with bodies, the site of a massacre. Barrayaran soldiers carry off their own dead as well as the Cetagandans, while the villagers burn death offerings beyond the fields.

barrayar
Morale is finally on the rise with the brightening weather, especially with their food stores replenished and the full recovery of the flu in the camp. Their numbers are down, but the Cetagandans' are even worse, and the tactical situation has changed. With half the Cetagandans' force either dead or out of commission, a window of opportunity presents itself. Piotr decides that need to recapture Vorkosigan Vashnoi -- if the city weren't occupied, then Micah's kidnapping by the Cetagandans could have been prevented. The base is an easy target right now with its defenses down -- until reinforcements arrive -- and the reconnaissance they'd done on the base's power generators a few months ago will finally be put to use. They may have a chance at using this to drive the occupying forces out of the city, too.

But they don't have a chance of successfully taking hold of the city without the rest of Piotr's army. About a month before the first outsiders arrived, the location of Piotr's previous camp was discovered by the Cetagandans, and the army split in two to return to fallback locations. The plan was always to rendezvous as soon as possible and reunite the army, and they need to rejoin forces now more than ever. Scouts are sent off into the mountains, looking to make contact with their comrades, and they're in luck -- the other half of Piotr's army, currently led by Major Rifkin, one of his missing general staff.

The last few months haven't been kind to the Barrayarans' supply of weapons and equipment. There's no way they could launch a successful assault on the base with their meager supplies, so Piotr sends several parties to make contact with the underground civilian resistance in Vorkosigan Vashnoi and stock up, then smuggle the weapons out of the city.

They're also low on weapons and equipment, which means Piotr is sending several parties back to Vorkosigan Vashnoi to stock up. Piotr and Ezar have contacts in the city, valuable allies who are part of the underground civilian resistance. They can provide the goods -- but one of the teams will be responsible for making sure the weapons are smuggled safely out of the city with the assistance of other members of the civilian resistance.

With Micah in Cetagandan hands, they are no doubt making progress on the Star Gate Project. Piotr, however, is convinced of Micah's sympathies, and their work could still be to their benefit -- or at least, to the outsiders'. And if nothing else, Micah would be the ideal candidate for sabotage should it come down to it. But for now, Piotr is interested in keeping Micah alive. Micah is a personal friend of Prince Xav's as well as a sympathizer, and their care was entrusted to Piotr, a matter of honor. So for now, his orders to his informants are merely to keep a close eye on Micah and their activities, even befriend them, but not to let slip their true sympathies to Barrayar. And now, with Sonia held captive, Piotr wants more than ever to make new informant contacts on the Cetagandans.

camp
Morale is on the rise, steady and surely. People are feeling good, enjoying the sun and warmth, a relief and a blessing after the weeks of cold and near-starvation. And so the soldiers do what Barrayarans always do when they're in good spirits: they drink. Evenings spent around bonfires playing cards or chest, drinking wine and mead, and they're a lot friendlier to the outsiders these days. Even the new ones have proven themselves with all the aid they gave during the epidemic, so if you're invited over for a drink and a game with the soldiers, don't be too surprised.

Of course, sometimes get taken a little too far, and some soldiers start up some drunken swordfight contests, which probably seemed like a great idea at the time. But you know what they say: it's all fun and games until somebody accidentally gets stabbed in the side. Piotr quickly shuts this down, and anyone involved, outsiders included, is likely to receive punishment, probably in the form of manual labor despite any hangover. The camp is down by over thirty men after last month, but on the (slightly morbid) bright side, at least this means that the outsiders finally get two tents to themselves, which is good considering the warming weather.

After the Princess's capture, however, the mood starts to shift back downhill. They're still not remotely ready to launch their attack on the Cetagandan base, let alone rescue Sonia. Both Piotr and Olivia are in vicious spirits; if you thought Piotr's previous demeanor was dour, he was a ray of frigging sunshine in comparison to now. Now he's furious, frustrated, and he has even less patience for time-wasting bullshit than usual.

missions
Overall, the outsiders' contributions to the spring planting on the village farm is helpful and greatly appreciated: they're able to fully sow their fields, and with the weather, they're hoping for a good summer harvest. However, no one should let Carolina around farming equipment ever again.

Hunting parties were sent out to stock up on food stores, with overall success. Some of the outsiders are proving themselves to be pretty competent hunters, much to the Barrayarans' appreciation.

Scouts were sent out to comb through the Dendarii Mountains for the other half of the army. With some help from the outsiders, William and Wash in particular, they're able to make contact with the other half of Piotr's army to coordinate and reunite their efforts.

Several parties were sent into Vorkosigan Vashnoi to make contact with the underground civilian resistance, which has a strong presence there, and smuggle weapons out of the city. There's a dangerous chase by Cetagandan patrols, but ultimately they're able to make it out of the city safetly and successfully return with the goods.

On the 10th, a Cetagandan patrol unexpectedly shows up in Riverfall when Sonia, Gavalas, and several others are there. A fight breaks out across the whole village, resulting in more than 30 casualties, including two Vorkosigan armsmen, and the Cetagandans successfully capture Sonia back to their base.

The unabridged mission results can be found here.

cetaganda
Zahal is furious at Piotr's successful biowarfare attack on his base, however accidental. It's devastated his ranks, and while they still outnumber the Barrayarans about forty to one, it's still a serious blow. The ghem-General decides that they need to force a forfeit, and they'll have to do it as quickly as possible, before Vorkosigan can strike them while they're down. The Cetagandan patrols double down and start swarming the mountains in search of the guerrilla camp.

The Star Gate Project is well underway with Micah on board, who is cooperating for the time being, though not happily. Most of their waking hours seem to be spent in the lab, though they're around the mess at mealtimes. They are certainly interested in the work -- it's totally unprecedented -- but their true sympathies lie with Barrayar, and they are entirely uncomfortable working for the Cetagandans. They're currently focusing their research efforts on possible power supplies and solving the problem of what, exactly, is getting people from the wormhole to the planet surface. To speed things along in the lab, the Cetagandans are asking for more help with their research -- anyone with any relevant knowledge is highly encouraged to step forward. And any informants for the Barrayarans are being instructed to keep an eye on Micah, too, as well as their progress on the project.

The Handmaiden of the Star Crèche is seen about the base, for certain definitions of seen -- she travels exclusive in an opaque luminescent force bubble, often escorted by one or two of her ba servitors. At the beginning of the month, Haut Sei announces the gene therapy trials they're conducting: if you're one of the exotics who lost genetically inherited powers, or were made human from some other type of being entirely, you are invited to participate in a new, experimental kind of gene therapy. Why participate? Well, they're aiming to restore any lost powers you might have had, although there's no guarantee of success, and such an experimental treatment does, of course, come with risks. But what's a little reward without risk?

base
The base feels unusually dreary in the wake of the epidemic, and with thousands of dead, it's impossible to have a service funeral for each of them individually. And so dozens of collective funerals are held, each of them solemn and steeped in ornate ceremony. The Cetagandans take their dead as seriously as anybody, and no nonsense will be permitted during the funerals. The base is only operating at half capacity, with only about 5,000 soldiers ready for active duty. Zahal has put in a request for reinforcements from Vorbarr Sultana, but that request has yet to be answered.

Haut Sei officially assumes her authority on base as Handmaiden of the Star Crèche, although Diya is, in name, still the head of the genetics project. Sei's ba entourage is most often seen in her company, but occasionally Ba Talim, one of her most faithful, may be seen on its own around the base, possibly on errand for its lady.

Diya is somewhat more present around the base now that the plague is over, but she still most frequently found in the labs or the gardens, and often in the company of Haut Sei, always in her force bubble, making Diya look strangely naked in comparison. The ghem around the base who have recovered are marking earnest attempts at brightening the morbid atmosphere that's settled over the base by decorating the barracks areas with fresh art -- literally freshly engineerd botanical creations, or sometimes hybrid biological-zoological creations…ah, Cetagandan art.

Princess Sonia is taken into custody on the 10th and housed in a cell. The Cetagandans offer her relative freedom to move about the base if she'll only give them her parole; she stubbornly and furiously refuses for the first several days, but the misery of being stuck in a cell by herself gets to her and she reluctantly agrees. Micah, the Cetagandans' other captive, though less strictly guarded, can most often be found in the labs and the mess. Although they're getting to know some of the exotics extrauniversals, they're still ill at ease here and not thrilled to be here. It isn't entirely clear, though, whether Micah's long hours in the labs are by their choice or at the Cetagandans' behest.

missions
The mess is shorthanded, and the exotics' help is much appreciated. A few of them even manage to impress the Cetagandan mess officer a little, who clearly takes the craft very seriously. (They all do.) A few of you, though…you can stick to dishwashing duty, thanks.

As is now established tradition among the exotics (because anything done twice on Barrayar is tradition, and they have done this way more than twice), several people go eavesdropping. On the 5th, Kurt and Pearl overhear Zahal receiving an Imperial writ to turn the entire Star Gate Project over to the Star Crèche. On the 6th, Jasper and Symmetra are caught listening in on a very personal conversation between Diya and Sei, and Diya's overambitious hopes for herself. On the 8th, Byerly and Lapis eavesdrop on a curious conversation between Ba Talim and Diya, hinting that the decision to cull Diya may have been somewhat personal after all.

In the labs, things go more or less alright, although things keep breaking or exploding. A plasma power pack explodes in the lab with Jasper and Whirl (which may or may not be Whirl's fault), though Jasper saves Micah from serious injury. In another stroke of spectacularly bad luck, one of the Necklin rods they've been using for testing falls and crashes down into one of the lab areas, and it's thanks to Natasha that Micah sustains anything more than minor injury.

On the 10th, a Cetagandan patrol unexpectedly shows up in Riverfall when Sonia, Gavalas, and several others are there. A fight breaks out across the whole village, resulting in more than 30 casualties, including two Vorkosigan armsmen, and the Cetagandans successfully capture Sonia back to their base.

The unabridged mission results can be found here.

Note: Negri, Diya and Gail are available for threading by request. Please hit up Madi (Negri & Diya) or Ammay (Gail) if you'd like some CR with the ghem-Lieutenant!

Comments

[vorrutyer]

He shrugs. Looks off to the side.

"Why not? I have broken with Barrayar, yes. No, not even with Barrayar - with Piotr Vorkosigan's forces. Are you not capable of talking with a friendly enemy?"

[vorbratta]

Five different rebuttals to the way he keeps framing his own treachery, but none of them make it out of Sonia's throat. She can hardly swallow, heat rising to her cheeks again. Dammit, she thought she was done crying.

"You're not an enemy, Byerly," she says, her voice breaking on his name. She sounds incredulous, hurt. "You broke my heart."

[vorrutyer]

He squeezes his eyes shut. When is the last time he wept? He can't even remember. When they fast-pentaed him, he supposes, as part of his training. He'd wept hysterically then, snot dripping onto his shirtfront. But fast-penta crying isn't real crying. Before that...On one of his birthdays, he supposes. Yes. His third birthday after he'd left home, when he'd sat in his rented flat and not received a greeting from anyone. Not a single word all day. He'd sat and he'd cried and he'd drank. Woke up the next morning to a message from his cousin Donna, apologizing for not calling before he'd gone to bed.

He doesn't think that he'll being going to sleep and finding things are a little bit better when he wakes up. No. Things aren't going to get better. He swallows hard, pain behind his eyes.

"My offense," he says unsteadily, "was not against you. I broke with Barrayar. Not with you. The decision was...political."

[vorbratta]

"So?" Sonia finds herself lurching to her feet -- at first, because she thinks she might actually be sick, but she falters, hesitates as her stomach does a quick flip and turns toward Byerly instead. "So you think that precludes all other consequences? It may have been political to you, but it was personal to me. Do you -- do you think you can break with Barrayar and take me with you? Is that what you think?"

[vorrutyer]

He doesn't open his eyes. He does lift his eyebrows, though, in the direction her voice is coming from. "Why? Would you come with me if I tried?"

[vorbratta]

"To Cetaganda? No!"

She sounds appalled by the idea. Byerly seems to take his own treason so...so lightly. She doesn't understand it. She takes another step toward him, though her voice grows smaller.

"Did you really think it wouldn't hurt?"

[vorrutyer]

Oh, Sonia, I knew. I knew. If you only knew how I begged - how I begged to tell you...I'm sorry. My dear... Whatever she is to him. He doesn't know what he'd call her. My dear. Leave it at that.

"People welcome my departure, Sonia. They don't mourn it."

[vorbratta]

A shaky breath escapes her, not quite a sob. "Stop that," she chokes out, her hands curling into fists again. She feels the tide of anger rise in her chest. "Stop treating my feelings like they don't matter. Like they aren't real, just because they're about you."

[vorrutyer]

He feels his fingernails bite into his palms. He feels like being sick. Violently. "They can't be real. If you want to love someone, love...Miles. He's a proper Vor. Love Duv Galeni, the Komarran fool. I have never been anyone worth your time. I am not even worth a second glance. Isn't that what Piotr Vorkosigan told you? He's quite right."

[vorbratta]

Sonia stops where she is. Her chest feels like it's caving in.

"Why?" she breathes, because that's all she can get out past the tightness in her throat. "Why do you do that? Why do you be my friend, my confidante, and then -- do that? You can't -- you can't be the kind of friend you were and not matter. You don't get to be the only one to care. You don't get to tell me how I feel. That isn't fair!"

Her voice rises without her meaning it to, and she has to catch her breath with a hiccup. "That's what you took away from me. You took one of the best friends I've had away from me."

[vorrutyer]

He can feel his mouth watering. Strange thing, that, how his mouth waters before he starts crying. And how his sinuses burn. If he concentrates on that, and just on that, on all that stupid weirdness, then surely he'll stay in control. Surely -

His breath shakes. He still doesn't open his eyes. "I'm still the same man." His voice is a whisper. "I haven't changed."

[vorbratta]

The fact that he's shaken by this is only proof of her point, Sonia is sure. It only lends validation. She takes another step toward him, tears in her voice.

"I know you are," she whispers back, because that's all she can manage. "But you won't let yourself be whole. Only you did around me, for me, I don't know -- I don't pretend to understand it -- and now you don't. So stop it. Stop trying to disappear into something I couldn't have loved. You left, Byerly."

Her voice breaks into a sob. "Just stop it. Just let me be hurt."

[vorrutyer]

"How am I supposed to do that?" He opens his eyes, finally. The tears standing in them roll over, fall down his cheeks; he grinds them away furiously. Catches a hiccuping breath, forcing down the grief. It is unmanly, un-Vorish, to cry. "You cannot have all of this. If I am - was - your friend, then I cannot permit you to be - unhappy. If I permit it, then I was no friend. The latter is an easier thing to believe, isn't it?"

[vorbratta]

Somehow, Sonia's startled to see him cry. It makes her stomach tighten uncomfortably, a strange sense of falling.

"There you go again," she says, voice shaking, "telling me how I'm supposed to feel. You cannot permit me to be unhappy? Who the hell died and put you in charge of my heart?"

She doesn't quite move, but she leans forward, nothing but hurt and frustration on her face. "That isn't how it works. If a friend is unhappy, you're supposed to help them, not -- not assign yourself responsibility to having failed to prevent it in the first place. So no, it isn't easier to believe. It's absolute horseshit."

[vorrutyer]

He swallows hard. He shakes his head. Perhaps this is an honest problem. Perhaps he doesn't understand how a friend is supposed to work. He knows how it works in his own circles - when someone is feeling unhappy, you mock them and tell them that they're being quite thoroughly idiotic and perhaps offer to buy them a drink. It's different here, different with Sonia - something like that is utterly out of the question...

"And how am I to help you, then?" His voice is a miserable bite. "What could make you less unhappy?"

[vorbratta]

Sonia falters. Take it back, she thinks fervently, take it all back and will be fine. I'll forgive you. Just take it all back...

She doesn't even know if she would forgive him. She just...wants it all undone. She swallows and drops her gaze.

"I don't know," she says quietly, rubbing her arm. "But you...you can't come in here half a friend. You can't come in here, looking to talk, looking to be -- friendly, and dismiss my feelings. You can't refuse to acknowledge that it hurt because I cared about you. You can't tell me that my feelings aren't real. I'm sure it must be easier for you to pretend that way. But if you want to talk like we're friends -- if that's what you really want -- then you owe me at least that much respect."

She looks back up at him again, miserable, desperately lonely even if she won't admit it. She doesn't know why she's even bothering. She should be telling him to get out, to leave, because if he's going to be this way then he can go shove it. But it hurts either way.

"You can start there. But you can't expect me to sit and have pleasant conversation with someone who broke my heart and kept the pieces."

[vorrutyer]

He can feel his jaw trembling. You broke my heart, you broke my heart... Every time she says that, he just wants to go out and find...something. A plasma arc. Point it at his own heart and cauterize the wound. He wants to run out and pass through the whole nerve disruption net that surrounds this base so that he just doesn't have to feel like this any more. So that he doesn't have to feel anything anymore. What does it take to numb everything? How can he accomplish that?

"And what do you want me to feel, then?" His voice is low and rough. "How do you think it feels for me? You were the first person to treat me with real kindness in...a very long time. And I was caught between you and - " And duty. And honor. And Barrayar. He takes all the pain of that conflict and this string of lies: "This future of being Piotr Vorkosigan's axe-man. His pet torturer. Because of my fucking name. Because of my association with a family that disowned me years ago. What do you think the state of my heart is, Sonia?"

[vorbratta]

This, Sonia decides, must be Byerly at his most honest, his most naked. His words, she still doesn't know which to trust, but the near-trembling, the tears, his voice...Sonia doesn't think even Byerly Vorrutyer could fake them so convincingly. She wants to believe that, anyway. She needs to. There must be some bottom layer, some bedrock to hit after endless digging.

That's not my fault, she almost wants to say. That wasn't my choice. But she doesn't. The idea that Piotr would do that to Byerly is -- it doesn't feel right, but it doesn't sound entirely wrong, either, and the thought makes her sick. Instead she just looks at him, tears still rolling down her cheeks, hair stuck to her face, utterly aching.

"You feel what you feel," Sonia says softly, her voice creaking around the tears. "That isn't up to me. If it hurts..." Of course it hurts. Betrayal does no one any good. "I can't know what's in your heart, Byerly. But I won't deny you your pain. I wouldn't ever try to take that from you."

[vorrutyer]

He can't take it. He can't take the honesty, the vulnerability, the pain. He can't take her kindness. He'd expected - he'd wanted her to say that he could take his pain and shove it. Who gives a shit. You made your bed; lie in it. Instead those soft words of forgiveness and compassion. And so he cracks, a little, lets out a sarcastic - "How noble." It's jeering, self-pitying, cruel; he regrets it at once, shaking his head. Not to her. Not to her.

He shoves his hands in his pockets. Glares down at the floor. Tightly, he says, "This is - things as they are. There's no undoing anything. Either we move forward or we rot. Which do you want?"

[vorbratta]

Those two biting words feel like a blow, and Sonia looks stricken for a moment before her eyes dim, her expression slowly shuttering. Why is she doing this? Why is she helping Byerly rub salt in her own open wounds? None of this is making it any better. She feels like she's clawing at a brick wall under her fingertips are bloody and raw.

"I'm trying to move forward," she grits out, frustrated. "You asked me how. I gave you a start. What do you suggest, Byerly? How do you think we move forward?"

[vorrutyer]

His jaw works. He says, after a moment, "Give your parole." His shoulders hunch. "Sitting and rotting in the stink of this broom-closet isn't doing anyone any favors. Get out and walk around and take some damned air. You're going to fester in here."

Why did I say that? At least she seems - angry. Someone angry. If he'd made her cry again -

[vorbratta]

He isn't looking at her, and so he doesn't see the flicker of expression on her face, the way it feels like the bottom is dropping out of her stomach. How is it that they've talked this long and she still feels so raw and so lost?

"What does my parole have to do with this?" The words tumble out in genuine confusion before she catches herself, hands opening then closing again, wishing she had something to reach for. Some comfort. She needs it so badly right now, more than ever. "Is that why you really came here? To convince me to spare myself from misery?"

[vorrutyer]

"What do you think I came for?" Absolution? Forgiveness? He lifts his chin to look at the ceiling, still avoiding her gaze. Hatred? No. The last of those...He craves hatred, but he doesn't have the luxury for it. The only thing he has the luxury for is appearing to do the Cetagandans' will, is maneuvering her so that she can be grabbed back by Barrayar's forces. How many are even still alive? Can they even make an attempt?

"I know you well enough to know that confinement will only make you miserable. Pride isn't sufficient nourishment for your soul, as it would be for some. You need sunshine and socialization, too."

[vorbratta]

Absolution or forgiveness Sonia might have guessed, until they'd dragged each other back and forth through this salt mine. Her shoulders hunch too, and she wraps her arms around herself. Byerly does know her that well, too well. He isn't wrong. Dammit, once -- just once in this conversation, she'd like to be right.

"And who am I supposed to socialize with?" It's only half petulant stubbornness, but the question is genuine. "You think I should make nice with my captors?"

[vorrutyer]

"The Betan, Dr. Niadem," Byerly says, turning his eyes off to the side. "The exotics - that's what they've termed the outsiders they found. And, yes, Cetagandans. Don't tell me you've been so long with Piotr Vorkosigan that you've forgotten that Cetagandans are human, too. When you were on Beta, didn't you speak with people of all backgrounds? All origins?"